I really don’t know how to put this. I’m sorry if I led you on, that wasn’t my intent. I-I just… I just don’t think we’re right for each other anymore. We had some good times I know but- hey don’t do that, it’s not your fault. Don’t cry Nintendo. I mean, we still have the memories right? There were some fantastic things we did together, do you remember that night back in 1990? It was pure magic.

Things started out great. Do you remember how we met? My mom brought you home from the store that day in 1986. I couldn’t have been happier. I know, I know. I was young and naïve. You were new and exciting, a whole new world of possibilities right in front of me. I didn’t know this, but you were already strangling the life out of the people that wanted to make games for you. You just squeezed and squeezed. Your sweetly cruel grip locked down third party developers. They were powerless to make games for other systems. You even made poor Konami open Ultra Games, just so they could deliver you Ninja Turtles and Metal Gear. It was wrong of them to trick you like that, but when you don’t allow game makers but 5 games a year, sometimes drastic steps have to be taken. Even with your veritable monopoly on my gaming experience, my love for you only grew. Late nights sharing you with friends, blowing into your spacious cavities, even your portable model I could take where I pleased only made my fervor for you stronger. I bought you accessories, despite your lack of software support for them. I loved every minute on my Power Pad, though I only had one of your five games for it. Asshole Dog didn’t giggle half as much as I did when shooting cans in Hogan’s Alley. Then, that raven shelled hussy called Genesis threatened to take me away forever.
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It’s fairly common knowledge that Gamestop loves to squeeze every last dime they can out of their customers. However, in many places of the world, being bombarded by the constant steam of “DID YOU BRING US ANY TRADE-INS TODAY!?” is far more tolerable than the 400 pounds of 55-year-old Hispanic woman wearing a tube top that is so common a sight at Wal-Mart, that most of us just grit our teeth and politely say, “No, no trade-ins today…”

It is also a well documented fact that Gamestop offers absurdly low prices to buy games from you. Want to trade that $60 game you just bought and beat in a week (I’m looking at you Mirror’s Edge)? Gamestop throws maybe, MAYBE 20 bucks your way. In store credit nonetheless. That’s less than half of what you actually paid for it. Then, they stick it on their shelves with a “Used” sticker for $54.99, damn near full retail. You my friend, just got fucked.
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