As technology grew though, it became more and more common to have soundbytes of your hero screaming and yelling, and eventually games became fully voiced.  There are ups and downs to such things that I won’t discuss here, ’cause that’s best left to an article dedicated thereto.  Here, I wanna discuss Star Fox.

Star Fox 64 is an on-rails 3d shooter, and a retelling of the events of Star FOx for the SNES.  The main highlight for many was the full voice-acting, with every character (except for that bizarre raccoon thing in the tutorial) having a voice actor.  Much of the english dialogue was parody of science fiction movies such as Star Wars, and nearly every line is incredibly memorable.

Fox was voiced by Mike West, who is a relative unknown to my knowledge, and doesn’t take his role as leader too seriously.  Bill Johns plays Falco, Issac Marshall plays Peppy, and I don’t know who plays Slippy but their voice is incredibly whiney.

The acting for every character is absolutely abbysmal, but for me, that’s a big part of the charm.

The game starts out with Fox giving instructions to the team as they enter the atmosphere.  Falco sounds calm here, and nowhere else in the game.

Memorable quotes seem to be thrown at the player one after another, though my favourite (Which was later referenced in Star Fox Assault for the GCN) is the opening to the last level before Venom on the Hard path, as Falco says, in the most obnoxious tone you can imagine, “TOO LATE!  GAME OVER PAL!”

Obviously, not every game is so successful with its voiceovers.  In fact, a majority of video game actors should probably not quit their day jobs.  Final Fantasy X was absolutely embarassing, in both English and Japanese (And don’t even try to deny it).  The Soul Reaver series took its serious nature and threw it out the window with all the phoned in, overdramatic lines spoken throughout.  And don’t even make me mention Symphony of the Night, with Richtor and Dracula’s famous dialogue.

Games with really good voice acting are rare, games with really bad voice acting are plentiful, but games where every single line is both terrible and wonderful?  Those are few and far between, and I’ll always remember Star Fox 64 for that reason.

Racing games nowadays seem to be more about who can be more realistic in terms of car dynamics and have the best graphics. What ever happened to games like Carmaggedon, Twisted Metal, Star Wars Episode 1: Pod Racer, and Extreme G. Shoot, what ever happened to games like Road Rash? Road Rash was probably one of the best experiences I had with a racing game because it wasn’t afriad to push the boundaries what’s acceptable.

For example, say you won a race in Road Rash, well it would cut to a scene to you (the rider), getting the girls, getting the respect, getting money.  Feels pretty good to see it. Let’s say you lost, well then you get a nice little cutscene of everyone booing you, girls rejecting you, and guys… well beating the shit out of you. Which gives you the incentive of “well I don’t want that to happen, so I better try harder”. Even better than those cutscenes, are the scenes when you are captured by the police, which shows them apprehending you by.. any means necessary, and there was one scene where they set a dog on you, and you start getting mauled. These cutscenes are all done in live action, which makes the experience much more enjoyable. There was no load time for cutscenes, there were no graphical glitches, and the best part is that they entertaining.

The design alone in Road Rash was astrouding, but the game played really well and the dynamics were fun. It was your typical motorcycle racing game, only with the police on your tail, and other cyclists with chains swinging them at you. Remember Need for Speed: Most Wanted? Forget that, Road Rash had the idea way before any of them.

Nowadays there is no real isentive for racing games other than “well I want to win”. If you lose a race then nothing happens, you can try again, ladyda, life is all happy sunshine. Recently I was playing Burnout Paradise, and though I regard it as probably the best racing game I’ve played, I have to say that it falls under the same flaws. Racing is a competitive sport, winning races should bring respect, losing races should bring humiliation. It would be nice to add some personality to the racing genre instead of the same old, win race, beat game, flavour that we’ve been having.

2009 is the year, and we’ve got teams all over the bloody shop. MeetYourMakers, Fnatic, Complexity 20ID, Salvo, Dignitas, 4K, Reason and the list trails off into the ether with some successful.. and some less successful pro gaming teams. What does this mean? Does this mean professional gaming is now viable as a career? Can you earn money for headshots in todays world? Will I ever stop name dropping? How many commas can I write before you close this tab? Hit the jump to find out.

As with any story, you have to start at the beginning. The problem with this is, the beginning is a much debated topic. Some would claim it began around 1997 with the birth of leagues such as the much praised Cyberathlete Professional League (CPL). Some would also claim it died in 2007 when the CPL could truck no more. Alot of others would say ‘On my campus we invented pro gaming, we had Quake II Lan parties every week and gave out prizes!’ Thankfully, this is my article. So I’m going to tell you when it started. 1990. I’m aware prior to that numerous events were held, such as the 1987 Video Games Masters tournament, but I don’t care. Because in 1990, Nintendo held the World Championships.

Contrary to the title, the Nintendo World Championships were not actually World Championships. The Nintendo US Championship Tour would be a more fitting name, but I digress. There were age brackets from 11 and under, 12 to 17 and 18+. And if you’ve been into gaming for some time, you’ll certainly know of the famous gold cartridges Nintendo gave out as prizes, which fetch ridiculously high prices now on eBay.

1990 through 1997 was nothing serious. A few local arcade tournaments in the US, Blockbuster did their thing with a few gaming championships through the early 1990’s, but it is in 1997 when the internet exploded. This was the beginning of professional gaming. (The birth and the beginning are two different things my child. Think about it.)

A tournament by the name of Red Annihilation was held, the game was Quake, the host was Micheal Shearon and the prize.. the prize was John Carmack’s very own Ferarri 328 GTS Cabriolet. And the winner? Thresh (Dennis Fong). Some of you may have heard of him, most of you haven’t. Thresh went on to win tournament after tournament, prize after prize and has now co-founded Xfire (which got purchased by Viacom for some $102 million) and is now worth millions of dollars.

Also in 1997, a man named Angel Munoz invented the CPL, hosting Quake II to Quake III and many other tournament focused games. As with any great idea, there were always imitators. The turn of the millenium rolled around and the first World Cyber Games was hosted in Korea, Quake III, Starcraft, Age of Empires II and FIFA 2000 were the games. 174 hopefuls entered to win a part of the total prize share of $20,000 (for comparison, by 2006 the WCG’s total prize fund was $462,000.) And by 2003 the Electronic Sports World Cup began, with 358 participants from 37 different countries entering. The prize fund here was no small feat at €150,000. The ESWC also was the first league to have a game specifically created for it, Trackmania Nations.

In 2006, professional gaming went mainstream. MLG was invented and brought the fight to the consoles, also being the first televised tournament for any league, with Halo 2 being splashed across TV screens nationwide. This year also saw the birth of a CPL spin-off, the World Series of Video Games, which gave host to big names such as the oft-heard Fatal1ty, FoV, Grubby and Team 3D. Times were good, there was money to be had if you had the skill to compete, the fresh blood had never stopped flowing, teams fought hard and shook hands, but times were not to be all smooth sailing.

From 2006 to now, the CPL has managed to die to be succeeded by its sister league, the CAL (Cyberathlete Amateur League). The Championship Gaming Series was invented, and also managed to die, Halo 3 went massive on the console scene and the PC scene has splintered into the best of the best, and the smaller leagues like TWL.

Today, there are literally thousands of teams from every country with decent internet. Only the top 10% of those teams play regularly in leagues, and only the top 4% of those teams manage to find regular sponsorship. It’s not a good idea to go out and say ‘I want to be a pro gamer’ just as in 2004 it was not a good idea to go out and say ‘I want to be a game designer’. But perhaps, in the coming years we will see the rebirth of the CPL and the rise and rise of tournament gaming.

So no, teabagging your friend after he dies and proclaiming ‘pwnt*’ as many times as you can does not make you a professional gamer. A pro is judged by the amount of sponsors he has, the level of sportsmanship he represents and first and foremost, his skill at the game. And go forth, with this knowledge, pick up your keyboards/pads and proceed to get your ass whooped in COD4 some more.

*Fun fact, did you know pwnt is just a mispelling of ownt? Look at your keyboard. See how the O and P are close together?

Z-targeting was what helped the first 3D Zelda be a success

Innovation is a hard thing to come by. Are we really running out of ideas? Sure there are some original games out there, but how many Nazis do I have to kill, how many touchdowns do I have to score, and how many times do I have to rescue the princess? I’m not trying to say some of it isn’t not fun, I’ve just noticed it has become the same game each time. Whatever happened to good old innovation?

The transition from 2D to 3D on the Nintendo 64 in most cases was pure genius. You cannot deny how awesome it was to roam Princess Peach’s castle for the first time in all three dimensions, or Z-targetting your first enemy then striking him down with your sword. It was not just Nintendo who achieved this, Sony did it with their blockbuster Metal Gear Solid by breaking the fourth wall and laying the foundation for stealth games for years to come.

Newer attempts at innovation have been scarce (Portal), and some even failed (Lair, Wii Music). What happened? Are we really so money focused that developers have become lazy? This could possibly be to blame on the “casual” market, with games containing simple gameplay and user friendliness. A unique story can add to innovation, just look at Chrono Trigger. Unlike the million Final Fantasy spinoffs, the single Chrono Trigger game has been constantly praised for never aging, and that the story is what sets it apart.

I feel its time for developers to stop and think about what made gaming truly great: fun.

Rocket: Robot on Wheels

This game was made by the creators of Sly Cooper. I dunno about you, but those games were pretty good.

Naturally, so was this. You play as a young robot set to watch over the new theme park “Wallyworld” while the owner goes to a party, but after he leaves, the costar of the show steals the spotlight,  knocks poor Rocket out cold and steals the mascot. You have to collect tokens, tickets and save the  park by getting upgrades and solving puzzles. This game is amazing and had great controls to boot.

Mischief Makers

SHAKE SHAKE

SHAKE SHAKE

This game, developed by Treasure…

Well, if that doesn’t draw you to this game, you should probably shoot yourself. In this game, you play Ultra-Intergalactic-Cybot G Marina Liteyears, or Marina for short. She and her creator head down to planet Clancer and Marina’s creator, Proffesor Theo, gets kidnapped.  Go get ‘em, tiger! Your main attack in this game is grabbing, shaking and throwing. The levels are challenging, bosses are huge and difficult to down and the ending video’s length is determined by how many golden gems you collect. This can be a little frustrating, but it’s a really fun test.

Diddy Kong Racing

In my opinion, much much better than Mario Kart 64. The tracks are much more creative and plentiful, there are actually unlockable characters and everything is vibrant and colorful. Of course, it doesn’t just look good, Diddy Kong Racing has wicked unfair boss races, secrets and battles. This game is awesome alone or with friends. It’s got a port to the DS, but that one doesn’t have Banjo… Made me a little sad, but still good.

Banjo Kazooie/Tooie

Rare really threw out all the stops with these two. When I first heard about this game, I heard it was a lot like Super Mario 64, which I loved to death. I picked it up and tried it out.

GO TO HELL CANARY MARY

Oh, boy. They were wrong. This game is BETTER than Super Mario 64 by a long shot.

There are fewer levels, sure, but the levels in BK/T are bigger. Much bigger. It has awesome music, a wide range of moves that Banjo and Kazooie can use, tons of things to collect, minigames, minibosses, HUGE bosses, good humor, bad humor and a seriously amazing time with a good hundred hours of solid gameplay. Per game. Go get it!

Jet Force Gemini

I know, another Rare game… If they didn’t make good games, I wouldn’t tell you to get them! Anyway, I wasn’t into shooters until recently, but this game shone like a star in a sea of diamonds. In this game you can play as Juno, Vela or Lupus, along with a little helicopter thing that can be controlled by a second player named Floyd. You get some nifty guns in this game. Missile launchers, miniguns, blasters, lasers, mines and grenades… And destroying enemies results in colorful splatters and chuncks hopping around the landscape. A third person view and some minor platforming aspects make this game a blast, literally and figuratively.

Yoshi Story

This game is amazing fun, but sadly a bit short. Beautiful graphics, imaginative worlds and paths… Plus, the whole game is based on eating fruit. Eat fruit, get health. Eat fruit, beat level. Eat boss, beat boss! The atmosphere of the game is cute and fun, and some of the levels are damn near impossible. Unlocking levels can be a real challenge, too. I’m still missing one just because I can never find all the damn smiling hearts.

Oh…

Black Yoshi > White Yoshi

Now for the grand finale: Pokemon Snap

You know what, even if you DON’T like Pokemon games, then you should probably pick this up anyway. Just trying to get all the pictures, finding the Pokemon signs, making the Pokemon get into poses… Oh, the joy is unbearable. This game is easily replayed trying to get the perfect score, and if you ever come across one of those old Snap Stations, you can get prints of the pictures you took in game!

Good luck, though, I haven’t seen one since… I can’t even remember.

Also don’t forget to listen to the radio! Right up there under “Live Streams”!

Till next time!

Jumpluff~

Written for Giant Enemy Blog!

Stubbs the Zombie in:

Rebel Without a Pulse

FINALLY A USE FOR HALO. Hoho. With all seriousness,though… This game, made with the Halo engine, was what should have been big instead of Halo if you ask me. You play as Stubbs, a zombie with nothing better to do but zombify everyone he meets. You get a choice: Bite people to turn them into your zombie follower, posses them with your hand and have them kill other people or just kill them. Your followers automatically attempt to turn everyone they see, so keep that in mind. Stubbs has some cool things he can do. He can take his head off and go bowling, take over people’s minds with his severed hand, throw his organs as grenades or fart to unleash a deadly toxic gas. Cool job, Stubbs, you look pretty Wario!

Kung Fu Chaos

If you ever had the wish of making an over the top Bruce Lee style movie, then this is the game for you. You get a cast of different fighters with different styles, and you’re thrown into different sets. The director tells you what to do, be it jump over this or beat up this many ninjas and you do it. The game is challenging, fun, and pretty long. If you’re in the mood for a good beat-em-up, then get this little gem.

Raze’s Hell

This game is wrong on so many levels… But oh so satisfying. You play as Raze, a young… thing who’s world is being taken over by these cute little critters. They look cute, but they have big guns, big armies and big arteries. You get to rip these little cuties apart, stab them, cut them or shoot them with bug things. This game is so ridiculously bloody, and that’s a good thing. Along with all the killing, you get a few minigames like… Golf and Soccer(???). If you want gore and killing, this game is just for you.

Conker: Live and Reloaded

So, this is actually a remake of an N64 game, Conker’s Bad Fur Day. That game was god damn amazing, all around. Good Multiplayer, fucking hilarious story(I want a squirrel for a table leg), and gameplay reminiscent of Banjo. You play Conker the Squirrel, a sodding foul-mouthed squirrel. You’re trying to get home after a night of drinks and good times, and the only way you can get home NOW is to go through the biggest line of bullshit in the world. Trotting around in a mountain of crap, feeding mice cheese, going to war, entering the Matrix… And that’s just the tip of the iceburg. If you liked the N64 one, if you like toilet humor, if you liked anything Rare has ever made then you go out and get this game right now. You won’t be sorry. Just don’t expect to get every joke that references the N64 version… Even if it is unlockable.

Last one!

Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath

I’m gonna be honest here, I didn’t play any of the other Oddworld games and I only decided to try this out because a family member liked it. So, here it is. You play as Stranger. He’s a stranger in these parts, but he’ll fit in just fine. You gotta get bounties by finding the suckers on the wanted posters and hauling their sorry asses back. Sometimes there are requirements like “Bring  back alive”, but mostly living or dead only increases/decreases the amount of “moolah” you get, alive is generally better.

The gameplay is actually really interesting. You get a third person platformer and action, plus a first-person shooter type deal. Your ammo is living creatures that do different things. Some are traps, others home in, some explode and you got an all-purpose crossbow with their names on it. Awesome game, awesome theme, awesome everything.

Alright, that’ll do me for now. Enjoy these ones!

Till next time!

Jumpluff~

Written for GIANT ENEMY BLOG

Woo, Number 300~

Duke Nukem 3D

If you’ve ever played a Duke Nukem game, you’d know why I’m recommending it. The games are pretty damn good. You play as the lovable Duke, who returns from fighting aliens to find his lovable planet turned into a not so lovable wasteland. You gotta shoot the aliens up, saves the babes, watch the porn, drink the brews. The game has an amazing sense of humor, quoting movies like Dirty Harry and Duke’s phrases. If anything, pick this one up for the laughs. It’s originally on the PC where it has a ton of expansions, and it was on the PS1, N64 and a few other consoles under different names.

Halo: Custom Edition

That’s right, I said it. This is a PC only game of awesome proportions, mostly because it’s customizable. There are Zelda mods, a Metroid Prime mod in the making, and in all actuality, Halo has good multiplayer anyway. If you have an old Halo: Combat Evolved CD(Or .exe, I won’t tell…), find the download.

The Orange Box

Alright, alright… This isn’t just one game… It’s five. Five REALLY good games. If you don’t have this, go get it now.

Like, RIGHT now.

This box contains the most complete Half-Life 2 collection to date, Portal, and Team Fortress 2. And for $50, probably less since it’s been out well over a year, that’s just  a plain rip-off.Half-Life 2 and it’s Episodes are awe-inspiring shooters telling how Dr. Gordan Freeman is attempting to save and rebuild the world after the hostile take over of the Combine. Portal is a puzzle shooter where you use, you guessed it, portals to move things and yourself around a closed environment to hit switches and such. Team Fortress 2 is the sequel to Team Fortress Classic, an online only team based shooter. Nine classes give you a roster of near endless possibilities for support, defense and offense.

Here’s one thing though: PLAYING AS ONLY A SNIPER ON 2FORT ISN’T COOL, DON’T DO IT. EVER.

Resident Evil 4

Alright, whoever marketed this game as horror is a damn idiot. It’s got a scary setting, but the action is happening so fast you won’t have time to be scared. Except for a few parts.

You play as Leon Kennedy, a sarcastic badass sent from the U.S. to find the president’s daugter, Ashley.

You get an over the shoulder view on this one. It fits the game well. You got your guns and you got a deadly knife. The inventory really gives it a little more of a survival feel, even if the merchant sells you a bigger one. Anyway, so you’re in Spain, killing insane infected Spaniards and they catch you and Ashley and load you full of them, too. Fun stuff! You now not only need to escape, but find the antidote on your way out. You’ll come across a few different kind of angry Spaniard from Farmer, to Cult Member to Crazy Mohawk Biker with Machine Gun. Most of the game, you have to protect the president’s daughter from being killed or taken away, sometimes a bother, but nothing too serious. The game has lots of cool things to get for beating it a number of times, like a mobster-type getup for Leon and a suit of armor for Ashley that makes that part where you snipe the cuff off of her SOOOO much easier. Anyway, this baby here is for the Gamecube, PS2, PC and Wii… I’d recommend the Wii version, myself. Easy controls, and the best graphics you can get for it.

Bioshock

This game is pretty damn sweet. You have some Irish guy talking to you the entire game, and you re-write your DNA via magic vials.

Now, when I first played this game it was at a party and I couldn’t tell what the guy was sayings, but I know he was telling you to do stuff… But when you get to the first Plasmid and inject it into yourself, he doesn’t tell you to do it. Anyway, you’re in an Atlantis kind of place, only instead of a thriving utopia… You have a dump. Mr. Ireland tells you you have to either rescue or harvest all these children called “Little Sisters”. However, each one is guarded by a Big Daddy, a large brute in an old fashioned scuba suit with hooks/drills/pain for arms and such. I have to admit, for as tough as they look, they’re pretty easy to take out. Anyway, you harvest or rescure these Little Sisters, get more genetic code magic so you can do new things, some guns, a wrench and an underwater world. This game is longer than Dead Space, but still a little short, but I guess that’s because all I did was play it till I beat it. This one’s a keeper, good story, good gameplay, good graphics, good setting… What’s to go wrong?

Welp, that’s all for shooters for today. I’m giving you enough games for a long time every time anyway. Hoho.

Don’t forget to listen to my radio up there in “Live Streams”!

Till next time!

Jumpluff~

Written for GIANT ENEMY BLOG

The premise in Mischief Makers is relatively simple: the professor has been kidnapped, and as the main character, Ultra-Intergalactic-Cybot G Marina Lightyears, you need to rescue him. However, the story isn’t the main aspect of the game, but rather, the unique gameplay mechanics. Everything centers around three things: Grab, shake, and throw. This is where the charm of Mischief Makers really shines forth.

Just about every single enemy and object can be affected by the three actions listed above, and each has a different effect depending on circumstances. Grabbing an enemy, for example, and shaking him can make him drop health items or currency. After that, you can throw him as a projectile to damage other enemy units.

You with me so far?

It gets more complex from there on out. As mentioned before, just about anything can be grabbed. Grab a bomb and throw it to destroy certain structures. Grab a gun and you can use it to shoot at enemies, or shake it to change it into a three-way shot. Throw a friendly unit and he becomes a projectile that can take out multiple targets. You can even grab projectiles, and launch energy accumulated from beams right back at the offender!

Grabbing things is also required to solve puzzles. Grabbing one of the many floating balls and shaking them can produce various effects, such as making portals open, releasing items, and making more balls appear. There are dozens of other things that can happen when shaking them, but it’s up to the player to find out what they do.

The various stages are also a strong point, and while most of them are fairly simplistic, there’s hardly ever a stage that quite operates the same way. One stage has you avoiding falling rocks from an active volcano in the background, while another has you riding a tricycle across the area to avoid dangerous water pillars. You even play dodge ball with a talking cat! The quirkiness factor never gets dull, however, the stages for the most part are too short to take in the whole experience.

You also encounter an equally bizarre cast of characters during the course of the adventure. The Clancer race, the local people that share the same eerie, genderless facial features, are just one of the many characters you see. You also run into the Beastector group, a memorable cast of animal hybrids with an overly hyper sense of justice (and also help in breaking the fourth wall on occasion). Some of these encounters are a bit lost though on account of some fairly cheesy writing (at least by today’s standards), though the game was largely targeted for younger audiences.

For a game that is more than a decade old, it has aged rather well. The pseudo 3D graphics still look intriguing, and the gameplay is still as addictive as ever. Unfortunately, the overall short length of the game means that it can be cleared within a couple hours easy. The overall difficulty is also fairly on the easy side, however, some of the various tasks in getting gold gems (which are required to see the secret ending), add a nice challenge on occasion, and gives some extra playtime.

If you still have a N64, I strongly recommend dusting it off and giving this game a run through, even if it’s just for nostalgia. All else fails, we can hope Nintendo brings this oldie onto the Virtual Console sometime in the near future.

Graphics: 4.0 / 5.0
Sound: 4.0 / 5.0
Gameplay: 5.0 / 5.0
Entertainment: 4.5 / 5.0
Overall: 4.0 / 5.0
Analysis:  Who knew such simple mechanics could make such an addicting formula?

Among the last of those titles was Conker’s Bad Fur Day.  If you haven’t played it, you probably dismissed it as a Mature Game for Mature Gamers (such as myself), a game of nothing but tits, blood, cursing and gratuitous violence.  You were half right.

I recently received my old copy of BFD in the mail in a birthday package from my mother.  I was fucking psyched.

Sorry for exposing you all to my blue-haired dykey visage.  Words just couldn’t do my excitement justice (Not that my webcam could either).

Alright, down and dirty, Conker’s Bad Fur Day was originally going to be yet another Banjo Kazooie or Donkey Kong 64, not that I have a huge problem with that.  But to my understanding, the team got sick of people laughing about how kiddy it appeared, and went in the opposite direction.

The game starts with Conker’s 21st birthday at the Cock and Plucker, a bar on some dreary old street.  He heads home, still drunk, but passes out somewhere and wakes up with the worst hangover in history.  The game gets more and more surreal as you go on.

The controls do exactly what they need to, though they feel very loose and imprecise at times, especially underwater, which can lead to endless frustration attempting to bypass some of the more difficult obstacles.  More complex actions are handled with buttons which give you exactly what you need at that moment in time.  Context Sensitive.  These range from arming you with knives, crossbows and slingshots to yanking out two aspirin and a glass of water to cure a hangover.

The story is a riot, becoming more and more convoluted as time goes on,  starting out as stated above, leading to a mountain of poo with a living, singing core (Which is also poo), some inbred farm tools, a mansion owned by a Romanian bat, exterminating all human life before it can evolve, to a bank heist a la The Matrix, to an ending so hilariously overcomplicated that i wouldn’t even try to spoil it for you, with shit jokes, witty one-liners and movie parodies the whole way through.

The graphics are crisp and colourful, and there are plenty of visual-aids to add to the raunchy humour.  Again, always fitting, though obviously dated by this point in time.  Even so, they were some of the best that the N64 had to offer, and that’s a pretty impressive feat.

The game plays like a story-based platformer/adventure/action game should:  cutscenes aren’t overly long and they’re always worth watching and well-acted.  The gameplay can’t make up its mind, which is sometimes good and sometimes bad.  One moment you’ll be climbing ladders and dodging wasps, the next you’ll be dodging balls of crap slung by an opera-singing poopmonster, the next you’ll be armed with dual machineguns and taking down nazi-esque teddy bears in a WWII scenario.

The sound is interesting:  The voiceovers are all recorded with varying levels of quality, making conversations sound awkward at times.  The music is always very fitting, setting the mood as it needs to be set, whether it’s a happy, cheerful whistle (Which will be stuck in your head for days)  or a powerful, somber orchestra making you realize just how real shit can get (Yet still remain surreal, because you’re a fucking cartoon squirrel).

All-in-all, I think that this is one of my favourite games ever, and certainly the only game I have ever marathoned for TEN HOURS STRAIGHT without getting bored.  Every time youstart lapsing, it changes things up.

Now, the multiplayer.  Balance is not an issue, since every weapon is easily capable of killing your opponent with a single attack.  There are plenty of modes to play, from racing to stealing eggs from velociraptors, and every one of them is a blast with the right people.  My only major complaint is that you can only play with four players:  Any more than that and you have to start adding bots.

All-in-all, it’s worth seeking out a copy, or at least hoping that your N64 emulator will emulate everything intact.  I just wish I knew what happened to Rare, and more specifically why the XBox remake of this game was so awful.

Floating through the air, now having gathered himself, Tingle found more time to ponder his being. “Thirty-five,” he thought, “and what have I to show for it?” The wind blew his bloated self to and fro, wiggling his exposed, filth-ridden belly. “No one buys my maps anymore. They all just stare at me.” Even now he could hear their calls.

“Freak.”

“Maniac.”

“Pervert.”

They didn’t understand! Tingle was just trying to follow his dream! It’s a beautiful dream filled with maps of places and eyes and figurines of little girls. He was a forest fairy, for certain, destined to live amongst the other children and dance with fairies: beautiful, beautiful fairies!

“I’m a fairy,” Tingle repeated to himself, but his own self-assurance simply wasn’t enough anymore. No one looked fondly at him, children thought he was an ugly man, and even his own father thought of him as nothing more than a smelly fool. Perhaps that’s what he is. Tingle is just a smelly fool drifting listlessly through the unkind wind that refuses to take him somewhere where people will accept him. “Maybe I’m really not a-”

A loud pop had alarmed Tingle. Although he had heard it many times before, it was nevertheless surprising, especially when you’re drifting on self-depreciation for a good distance. Before Tingle could finish his thoughts, he hit the ground with tremendous force, bending his legs beneath him. Scoliosis was surely not far off. He looked around himself to see who might have called upon him only to find a little girl.

“Hi,” she spoke. Tingle stared for a moment before offering a rebuttal. “Hello.” More patience on his part did not seem to offer any incentive to the little girl because she spoke nary another word, until Tingle forced himself to question her further.

“Could I interest you, perhaps, in a custom-made map detailing the area?”

“Maybe.”

Her insolence stirred a heat from in him, and he could feel a sweat begin to break. He questioned further. “Would you, perhaps, like to buy a map of this area: the, um, uh-.” In his drifting, Tingle had neglected to take his location into account. He would surely botch the sale now, and his father was sure to beat him again. He began to dance his feet about in dread.

“This is Romani Ranch, Mr. Silly Prancy Pants!”

Tingle was somewhat taken aback. She didn’t take note of his rancid odor, but, instead, noted the prance within his pants. Tingle could feel a stirring there, but tried to keep it to himself.

“Thank you, little miss, I muchly appreciate it. So then, would you like to buy a map for Romani Ranch.”

“No.”

Tingle could already feel the barbed wire cracking and tearing against his hind side. “Well, why not?” He sputtered.

“This is my ranch, Mr. Dancy.”

“Ah.”

“Silly Mr. Fancy Prancy Dancy.”

All this rhyming was beginning to make Tingle’s heart beat faster and the sweat drip harder in spite of the lack of the sale. This little girl intrigued him. “Why, then, would you shoot my balloon?”

“I dunno. You looked like a fairy up there.”

Glorious Occasion! It couldn’t possibly be. Tingled wiggled himself to be certain that he was awake. Indeed, the tremor had not caused an arousal; this was real! Someone had finally seen him for what he was, and it should be no other than this beautiful little girl, her hair so fiery and her eyes so penetrating. Her soft skin seemed to glow and Tingle gazed upon her, magnificent and lush as she was. He begin to inch closer to her and pirouette.

“But now that you’re here on the ground, I can see you’re just an old man.”

Just like that, it was all over. The child that was once so accepting, had quickly demolished and burned all hope and happiness that could have ever existed. Tingle pondered how long it would take them to find his strung body in his closet. Weeks? Decades?

“I see, then,” Tingled managed, “I suppose I’ll just leave, in that case.” As tingle was inflating his balloon, the little girl interrupted, “Why so sad, mister?” Tingle let the air of the balloon waft past his face. He stared at the sweet young thing, remorseful. “No one loves me, my dear child. I am the epitome of all hatred and misrepresentation in the world. If there is a need for anger and distaste, surely it is myself that it will be directed upon. Once I believed my use to be light and frivolous, spreading joy as a young fairy boy to all, but now I see it as a tormented halfwit: useful only for others to find disgust. You see, if even you–the fairest and most beautiful child that I could ever hope to harbor a love for–find disgust in me, then it can only be infallible.”

The young girl looked at Tingle for a moment. He bagan to ponder if perhaps he had said too much. The people of this land would find another reason to hate Tingle. The girl one again interrupted his thoughts.

“I’m not really sure what you’re talking about, but you sound really sad.” She looked at Tingle some more, as if she were making an honest attempt at understanding exactly what he was about. Suddenly, she said, “I know!” And with that, she ran off.

Tingle lamented her flight, but it was evident that he had best do the same. He floated into the air pondering his own wake, when not but ten feet off the ground his balloon popped once more. It was the little girl again, and she seemed to not even acknowledge that he was leaving. As she held out a bottle of milk, she said, “Here, Mr. Pantsy Old Fairy Man, this is special bottle for you!”

“What is it?” Tingle forced.

“You sounded very, very sad, and whenever my older siter is sad, she drinks this special batch of Romani’s Milk. She tells me that when you drink it, it brings out all your heart and strength. It sounded like that’s what you wanted, so I got it for you!”

Pleased, she held out the bottle for Tingle to take, which he reluctantly took, but not without a smile on his face. Although he doubted the power of milk, Tingle was pleased that anyone would give him a gift. Were it to be anyone in this land, he would prefer it be this lovely girl. So, at least to that effect, Tingle had found some happiness in this milk.

At the end of the day, Tingle found himself on his bed, bottle in hand. It seemed strange that milk would have so much to offer in addition to magical effects. Tingle had experienced no magic in his life and was wary to begin with a bottle of milk. The face of that sweet young girl kept coming back to him, though, and as his fingers caressed his belly button, he chose to drink the milk. He popped the cork off, raised it to his lips, and tilted his head back, ready to consume.

It had a wonderfully sweet taste to it, and already he was feeling the energy. There was so much milk packed into this one bottle–it could have been two whole helpings–but a strange urge came over Tingle,  and he drank it all down. Finishing the bottle, he slammed it down on his dresser top. There were no immediate effects, but he was eager to feel something and sat entirely still in anticipation.

A strange pain came over him. Had he had too much at once? No, this was a hard pain: a pain all over. It was sharp and pressing; he could feel it in his bones. It kept growing and growing, worse and worse. It was unbearable. Tingle curled over on the side of the bed and fell off hitting the floor, but the pain was so immense he didn’t notice. “Poison,” he thought. The girl must have seen something horrible in him and decided to do him in. She wanted to spare the world of the ramblings of an insane old man. She didn’t care for Tingle at all.

Maybe this was better. It saved him the trouble of doing it himself. He would go just like that. Easy.

The pain was growing. It would be over soon. Nothing more to worry about or fear. No more people to hurt. Suddenly a violent pain shot up his spine. “This is it,” he thought. His spine twisted and bent, then elongated to ten times its size, thowing Tingle into the wall. He could feel one wall with his head and the other with his feet. “What’s happening!”

His arms and legs twisted and convulsed and began to increase in size as well. He shrilled; this hurt more than before. Soon his whole body was gyrating and growing until he burst through the walls and roof of his room. He grew and grew until finally the pain and the growth stopped. His house was mere debris atop his foot, and he wore it as if it were a shoe. Tingle had no thoughts. None. A deep well of sadness and anger, however, stewed within him until a great bellow was released from his, now, jagged mouth. He traipsed through the land destroying everything in his path.

The Clock Town was first to go. The swampland temple fell shortly thereafter. Zora Hall was scattered amongst the Great Bay, and there was no longer music to be heard in Ikana Canyon. Even the mountains crumbled before the massive Tingle. The Four Giants themselves fell against this new, grander giant. It took one lone hero riding horseback to defeat this monstrosity. Tingle could feel it as the hero climbed his enormous body. Everything was done. Everything was gone. As the hero climbed up the back of Tingle’s neck, Tingle looked down to see a ranch beneath his feet. He couldn’t feel anymore anger or sorrow. He couldn’t feel any joy or happiness. He couldn’t feel anything. He couldn’t even feel the little girl that was beneath his feet.

He felt a sharp pain at the top of his head, and he fell on the earth.