It really pays to subscribe to newsletters sometimes. You’ll never know what bit of fantastic news might just leap out at you when you least expect it.

I just opened my e-mail inbox recently when I came across an Atlus announcement: a new medical sim (a genre made popular by the Trauma Center series) will be coming to the Nintendo Wii sometime spring of next year. Dubbed Hospital slash Trauma Team, this new game passes the torch to six new doctors ready to continue the legacy of Drs. Styles, Weaver, Vaughn and Blaylock.

Of course, I’m assuming that those three veterans aren’t in the game to begin with. Three of the doctors look like younger and stylishly redrawn versions of the veteran surgeons. A fourth doctor in the series gives us a glimpse of what Dr. Styles may look like sans glasses, darker hair, vampiric bloodlust and an androgynous charm borrowed from a certain Persona 4 sleuth.

The prospect of having six specialists this time around instead of two miracle doctors who do all the work (with a hot nurse nagging them all throughout the process) sounds like an interesting concept. This way, you can have one doctor stitch up all the wounds  while another glues back broken pieces of bone with mystical antibiotic gel. A third surgeon can focus on removing tumors with impunity while the other two are preoccupied.

Of course, we’ll have to wait and see if all of them will actually be working together during the operation itself, or if they’ll be taking turns during the entire process of testing, diagnosis, surgery and post-op. The latter case may be likely, as one of the doctors is supposed to be a diagnostician.

Also, a quick glance at the initial screenshots will tell you that the classic syringe, forceps, gel et al are still in there. Some gameplay elements may also involve timing bits reminiscent of the defibrillator and “massage” scenarios of past games. There’s appears to be a part where you have to hammer some bones into place as well.

It’s most unfortunate that the official website contains very little info as of this time. I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled on this one, though. Anything that gives me a good excuse to probe a woman’s bare midriff is A-okay in my book.

Presenting…

…The Top Five Signs That a DLC Should Have Just Been Free

Brought to you by Fedora Man

Well it finally April and you have to love how easy it is to open an article with the lines “so it’s finally whatever month we’re in right now”. It’s time for the next step in my great journey to earn money through a video game blog. Now I know you might be wondering “I thought you had billions! Were you lying to me?” The answer is of course, no. Stupid. Why would I make something like that up? But the difference between that money and the money I’ll earn on this site is I actually had to do work to earn it, unlike my corporation where I really don’t do any work at all. I can show all my friend “yeah this is the ten dollars I earned THROUGH WORK!” and if they say that they also have a job and have made more money, I’ll pull out my emergency one million dollars that I always keep stashed in my pants and laugh at them, probably while rubbing the money all over myself.

Now I’m sure that everyone reading this right now loves to hear all the stories that end with me rubbing money all over myself (and there are a lot of them) but now is neither the time, nor the place for me to describe my achievements to the world. Mainly because I think that might blow my secret identity and also I don’t think anyone would let me post an article called “The Top Five Ways to Rub Money All Over Yourself Like a Pro”. Instead I’m going to write about some game related phenomena, but only because I have to.

That brings me to my greatest problem: what the hell am I going to write about? There aren’t any games coming out these days (according to me) and writing about one specific past game has been done by everyone and their grandma. At first I was thinking “Heroes of Might and Magic 2, everyone will love to hear about that!” before moving to and idea about specific overrated games. Then one night I was staying up late to try to perfect the insertion of a giant blade into my fedora. Some might call that an oddjob rip off, but those same people might find it hard to speak when, say, a razor-bladed hat cuts their entire mouth off. Anyway it was around 6 am that I decided “screw it I’m too tired to think up a new idea” and settled for this one.

Now if you’re like me (and you’re not at all like me) then you too have expressed frustration at some of the worst excuses for DLC (downloadable content if you somehow made it to this point in the article without knowing what that is) ever made. That’s not to say that all DLC is bad and that it should all be free because there are small amounts of DLC that actually seem to have been worked hard on and deserve some sort of monetary reimbursement (the shivering isles for Oblivion is the first thing that comes to mind). Of course for every shivering isles there are hundreds of “screw you, give me all your money” DLCs or as I like to affectionately call them “dog shit”. I’m sure that this isn’t just at 360 problem, it’s probably also a problem with the PS3 but I wouldn’t know now would I? So here are the signs to identify if the dog shit you just bought should have been free.

Number 5: When the DLC is Free Anyway

Example: Call of Duty 4: Variety Map Pack

This is probably the one that isn’t about dog shit (I’m very much hoping the editor doesn’t take offense to that word being used over and over again). This is one of the cases where the DLC might actually be good but in any case it isn’t free even when say, THEY OFFER IT FOR FREE ANYWAY!

Take the above example for instance. The Call of Duty 4 map pack was offered for free via a code in the Game of the Year Edition. The cost of the Game of the Year Edition is exactly the same as the original game so you’d think they’d start offering the map pack for free, right? Wrong (as always)! I’m not exactly sure why they’d do this (other than the obvious “I want more money” approach) yet it seems like around the time they started offering free map packs they’d just go ahead and put it out for free on the marketplace anyway. There’s only one possible explanation: to piss off hat-based crime fighters.

Hell, that reminds me; before I go on I’d like to tell a little story about my experience with these “free” maps. It started like any other day, random death hurricanes mixed with volcanoes and a zombie apocalypse, you know, nothing special. So I decided that I’d go and get Call of Duty 4 because I was in a crime fighting slump (only because I imprisoned all my enemies) and so I decided to blow off some steam by mercilessly killing people on the internet. I picked out my game and brought it to the Gamestop counter where the cashier was like “I’ll give you the game of the year edition, it doesn’t cost anymore and it gives you free maps.” So I was like “sweet free maps, thanks you pimply faced bastard, I’ll be sure not to violently attack you in the future over game prices.” So as I got back home I opened the box… nothing. There was a game and an instruction booklet but that pimply faced sonofabitch lied to me! There wasn’t any map code at all! Now my first reaction was to don my fedora and jacket/trench coat (have to protect my secret identity) and go back to that store to kick all kinds of ass. But I’m a detective too and my detective-like instincts told me that it probably wasn’t that pimply faced bastard’s fault. Using my fedora-shaped super computer I quickly got confirmation that this had happened to many other people as well. In the end, after a brief bout with tech support that should have just began and ended with the word “bastard” I never got my maps. I’m just waiting for the time that they become free, WHICH THEY NEVER WILL!

Number 4: When the Game in Question has a Sequel

Example: Call of Duty 4: Variety Map Pack

Call of Duty again? Really? Well that’s just an example; there are many games like this. Again this isn’t necessarily dog shit but I promise that the next one will be about dog shit, you dog shit enthusiast you. Anyway the reason I claim that the DLC (which may or may not be dog shit to appease all you crazy people) should be free once a sequel comes out because sales probably drop rapidly over time once the sequel hits stores. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works, but don’t take my word on it, it’s not like I know a lot about business (although I do run a multi-billion dollar business in my free time). I don’t think anyone is rushing out to go buy Halo 2, or Mario Party 3 (despite how awesome Mario Party 3 was) so I’ve taken this rule and applied it to damn near any other game. Maybe I can understand not immediately making it free but in the above example Call of Duty 5 (or Call of Duty: whatever the hell they’re calling it these days) has been out for nearly half a year and I doubt that the Call of Duty 4 will have those free maps in another four or five months time. Granted the two were made by different developers but that’s beside the point. Give me the free maps! I demand it!

Number 3: When the DLC Doesn’t Add Anything Special to the Game

Example: Bomberman Live: Bomb-Up Packs

So NOW we’re talking about dog shit. Again I’m hoping the editor doesn’t come to my house and challenge me to a fist fight for using that so often. In any case I could talk about this in depth but the name says it all. The dog shit doesn’t add a whole lot to the game so it should be free on the grounds that I don’t want to pay you to add pretty much nothing to the overall gameplay.

Take my above example… for example (does that even work?) Bomberman’s bomb-up packs should definitely have been free or just included it in the original game. With the pack comes a bunch of gametypes and maps no one online plays anyway (we’re all too busy playing on the good starting maps with the non-stupid game variants to care). It’s like opening a gift on Christmas to get a playstation 2, a gamecube, or an xbox when you already have the better console. But gosh there’s really not more to say about it, maybe I’m complaining too much or maybe… just maybe… you’re not complaining enough.

Number 2: When the DLC is Just a Little Polish to an Otherwise Bland Turd Sandwich

Example: Crackdown (whatever that weapon pack is called)

I wanted to research what the dog shit was called here to retain my journalistic and genius vigilante integrity but I honestly didn’t care. Now let me set one thing straight, whereas Number 3 on the list (the one you just read if you read like a normal human being or super being) was about something that should be free based on the fact that it added little to a good game, this one is about DLC which could be good or bad that adds little to a horrible game. That’s right; I beat the system by having ALMOST identical but still slightly different types of DLC on display. Wooh!

Anyway I’m sure you (yes you, the guy in the red baseball cap) can think of a ton of DLC and games like this, but let’s go with my example because I already took the time to write it down. Now Crackdown wasn’t THAT bad of a game… okay yeah it was. The whole game was GTA or Saints Row with a ton of collection and not a lot of anything else. Shooting civilians was a power-up losing crime too, so there goes all the random slaughtering fun. The goal of the game is to collect orbs and kill a bunch of bad guys. You’re basically like Super Man except with a gun (or a slightly more athletic Fedora Man, with super powers, a gun, and no awesome hat). So after the fun of jumping around rooftops and shooting people wears off about six hours into the game what’s left to do? Well Realtime Worlds (the developers) has the answer in the form of a content pack sure to add a couple more hours of fun to the game. You get a weapon like the harpoon gun which is cool in that you can fire harpoons at people and stick them to cars and buildings and trees and other people. Where was the downside again? Oh right the fact that there’s a fuggin’ price tag associated with it. What the hell?! I paid sixty dollars for your game! There is no way in hell I’m going to spend six to ten dollars more to make your game NOT suck as much. You may think I’m being a little frustrated this time, because if there’s anything Fedora Man is known for its definitely not violent outbursts of vigilante justice. But that’s what happens when you stay up too late and you keep slicing off your fingers with your stupid razor-blade lined hat that STILL DOESN’T WORK!

But hey let’s look on the bright side. I’d like to take this time to get away from all the anger and pessimism and quickly point out Left 4 Dead. It’s a decent game, not too bad, not too good. But it appears that they’re coming out with DLC soon to make the game better. You know what I like the most about it without even having to look up gameplay videos on youtube? The fact that valve decided to not be a bunch of assholes and release the DLC free. So there, at least I tried to make this article slightly happier with a contrast between dog shit and decent DLC, as well as decent business practices in general.

Number 1: When the DLC in Question Sucks

Example: Too many to count

Damn even the example is a little depressing. There’s like a sea of dog shit out there (not literally you creep) and you know a DLC should be free when the DLC itself sucks. Really, this one ties into every other group category. By now you must be wondering “is there some kind of evil video game-themed villain out there causing all the DLC in the world to suck?” Well no, there was once, but he died in 1983 when the video game crash happened. It was weird and sad because the one thing he was trying to destroy was the only thing keeping him alive. Once the games became bad enough the crash happened and he died. It’s tragic, which is why I’m writing a play about it. I’m thinking of starring the lead role to Adam West and maybe get Jackie Chan in there somehow; we’ll have to see how it turns out.

Anyway there’s really not much more to say but hell I have time to kill in between creating my razor-bladed fedora and fighting demons from beyond time and space. So I’ll start with a little known game called Halo 2 (does anyone remember this game?). Halo 2 had four or five map packs, with the last one having two levels “Desolation” and “turd sandwich” or… something like that, I can’t remember (and I refuse to look it up). Anyway both were remakes and both were TERRIBLE. Although I’m not ashamed to own the Halo series, I am deeply ashamed to have put any money down toward this map pack. Turd sandwich was a terrible level and desolation was… also terrible (cut me some slack I’m tired AND I saved the world yesterday, shut up). Look I’ll give you another example: Halo 3. Halo 3 (and I use the halo series because of its general accessibility so people know what I’m talking about) had the “Heroic map pack” which was so bloody awful that I had to think twice before ever purchasing any kind of map pack EVER AGAIN! It was like they had a staff meeting but only three people showed up and they left after five minutes after someone said “but think about the customers” and someone else responded with “screw the customers!”

I’ll give you one more you might not have thought about: gamer pictures. Yeah those things, you actually have to pay for them. I think I’ll leave it at that instead of pointing out the crippling stupidity in paying for tiny pictures rather than picking up a fedora to hide your identity and going out to vigilante the shit out of the gaming industry.

You see, I wouldn’t consider myself a sadist, and it’s not even that I don’t like replaying games– I love to, especially with a “New Game+” option. I just don’t like the idea that all the strategies and plans and skills I’ve devised and employed could soon become redundant just by replaying the game on harder. This is why FE shocked me so much.

I’m sure if you’ve found this blog you’re aware Nintendo currently is wearing it’s casual gaming hat. Easy games aimed at your mother and your sister are being developed faster than Fanfiction can be written which is much to the chagrin of us more hardcore gamers. I’m sure you’re wondering whether I’ll get to the point by now, so here it is.

Do you see this on the left? This is the menu I was presented with. After choosing hard mode. That’s right kids, FIVE variations of Hard mode. Now, I want the full experience first time, so I chose Merciless (which will here-on out be referred to as h5). Little did I know, Nintendo are actually capable of making a difficult game. I begun playing it like Advance Wars. Moving the archer behind the meatshield etc ready for them to hit the meatshield so I could strike with him and the archer back. This was my first mistake.

This game, is not Advance Wars. This game, on h5 is the mother of all hardcore SRPGs. The first soldier came, and SWAM AROUND my meatshield, and double attacked my archer. He was dead. I was on a IRC network at the time, and I had asked if I just suck or this really is that hard, I was informed that I did not suck, and my archer would be dead. Permanently. After the battle, he was not going to be magically revived. He was dead forever because of a mistake I made. I was also informed that this happens even on NORMAL difficulty.

At first, I was shocked and confused that such a thing could take place. I was angry at myself for not knowing that Gordin had met his fate so soon. I pressed the suspend button and restarted the battle. Clearly, Nintendo knew that if you choose Hard, you’re going to lose. As a result, all cutscenes can be skipped by pressing start making the time from quitting the FIRST battle to restarting it about 5 seconds long. Over a period of 24 battles, I devised strategies, formations, tactics all of which after every loss only made me more formidable. Soon I knew exactly what the AI would do if I moved Shiida into a certain square and lured them into the southern sea. I knew exactly who to rotate onto the fort and when to minimise downtime and maximise healing potential. Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about, these strategies only cover the first 10 or so moves of the first battle. But I didn’t care. Onward I proceeded losing time and time again until it was me and the boss. Thankfully the Boss is incapable of movement (probably because if he did I could capture the throne and win the map.) and can only attack directly above, below and to the left and right. I set everyone who could hold a ranged weapon to hold one and after about 20 turns of misses and hits and regeneration, I got him to the point where Marth could run in and take the final slash, deciding the battle.

Marth ran in, sword in hand with the hopes of the entire company resting upon his caped shoulders. He swung and nay- it was not to be. The pirate leader evaded the attack and proceeded to kill Marth. Ending the mission. Six hours of effort and planning and failure, only to result in more failure. But I could feel the game overtaking me. It was a good pain. Eight battles later I had made it to the boss yet again, with only one loss (I’m sorry Shiida, I miss you and your winged horse but you were not strong enough for my army.) And finally..

Gazzak was slain, by no less than the brave warrior Cain.

The battle was over and I had felt a sense of accomplishment akin to that of finishing an entire game. When I realised that was the OPENING battle of the game. I smiled to myself, saved the game and went to bed.

Get it, and get it now.

To basically get the Pokémon all you have to do is:

1. Go to your local Toys R Us
2. Whip out your Nintendo DS around the video game section
3. Boot up Pokémon Diamond/Pearl
4. At the main menu there should be an option for “Mystery Gift”
5. Go into the Mystery Gift section and select “Receive Gift” via Wireless
6. At this point you should get a gift/card with Regigigas and choose to accept it. You might not be able to accept it if you already have too many cards so just throw one away as I’m sure already claimed that gift.
7. After all that, load up it up and go to any Pokémart and you’ll see a man next to the register who will give you your Regigigas and that’s it.

Don’t worry if you forgot all these hard instructions as there usually a poster in the video game section of the store that explains how to get it. Since it’s all wireless, you can avoid contact with all the kiddies, or you can beat them with your elite team of perfect EV trained Pokémon if you really want to.

So Pokémon fans venture out into the Sun to collect your Regigigas, after all, a little breath of fresh air never killed anyone.

source

Packing heat at a whopping 2GB (this is a demo after all..) the two missions included are guaranteed to be beefy with corpses littered atop what was once a perfectly good corn field I’m sure you can’t wait.

For those of you fuddy duddies who are still sitting at home, tin-foil hats firmly upon their heads– the demo only comes in STEAM choo choo flavour, so don’t bother looking because unfortunately gentlemen, you cannot find it.

Look forward to some demo impressions within a couple of days once I’ve had time to explore every nook and cranny and stick my head into every orafice.

A link for the lazy

Get this fellows. I-Fluid, Multiwinia, Trials 2, Gravitron 2, and Eets all in ONE pack. For the price of £6.95.  80% off. EIGHTY PERCENT.

Just a quick summary for those who have no idea what the hell these are and why they need them. First up, Multiwinia is the fantastic sequel to the wonderous Darwinia, something of an RTS lite. I-Fluid is a lovely little casual game wherein you control a drop of water trying to get to the end of various fun levels attempting to avoid absorption from various substances, such as the dreaded meat. Trials 2 Second Edition is just that, a trials motorbike game. Racing and flipping has never been so fun. Gravitron 2 is the game designed to make you mutilate your keyboard with your face, you know those games where you control a spaceship.. in a cavern and across planetary surfaces (I wonder why these retro games use a goddamn spaceship to explore planets.. on the inside.). Annoying it may be, but it’s really- really fun and wondrously rewarding when a level is done. Eets is a cute little casual game that can only really be described as Lemmings meets The Incredible Machine.

Buy them, get them, play them.

Watch over the trailer, it doesn’t take that long. If you’ve played the first Mass Effect you may be a bit concerned about the “Status: Killed in Action” that flashes on the screen. Does this suggest that Shepard (the main character from Mass Effect), is dead? I hope not. Shepard is one bad ass dude, at least the Shepard I created is. Still, Well we can see a Geth creature in his suit, which could mean perhaps he’s been captured by the Geth and has been reconstructed as one. That’s just wishful thinking though. One this is for sure though,  if Mass Effect 2 is anything like the first, I’ll be a happy customer.

On a side note, what the hell is up with the whole trend of adding boxes to your logos, I mean first Mirror’s Edge and now Mass Effect 2? Boxes are pretty trendy.

If you don’t use Windows, you can stop reading here.

Over the past couple of weeks a virus known as the Conficker, Downadup or Kido worm has been multiplying at an alarming rate. A recent headcount shows it at around 9.5 million infected computers. A botnet that size could probably bring an end to the internet.

No, I’m exaggerating.

However, it’s not all terribly bad. Just as with all epidemics, virtual or real, all that is necessary are precautions. If a friend comes over and wants to plug his key into your machine (No, that was not a euphemism), ask him how his internet’s been recently, and if it’s been acting slower than usual. This a symptom of the worm abusing his internet connection for it’s own ends — See: infecting more people.

Now, I’m sure you’re tired of my rambling and you want me to make the pain go away, right? Well – for those of you that have Windows Automatic Updates turned off, turn them on. The main update you’re looking for (If you want to prioritise.. or just to turn the darn thing off ASAP) is KB958644. Find it, install it – and you’re safe. For the most part. If someone comes and plugs in their USB Key you are still susceptible to it.

For those of you that have got it or fear you may have it, it’s nearly invisible. It only leaves one or two trademarks and those being

• A slower internet connection and/or consistently using bandwidth. If you suspect something, close all unnecessary processes and download a bandwidth monitoring program.
• Automatic Updates suddenly being turned off and disabled.

If you suspect you are infected and are experiencing the symptoms, try this first.

If you are infected, a logical course of action would be reformat. Back up onto a external hard drive (but absolutely NO autorunning files.), and reinstall Windows anew on a formatted hard drive. Once everything is kosher, you can try taking your data from the external hard drive. If you notice the symptoms appearing again then you’ll have to start over. This time, with no backup.

I know that open betas doesn’t signify the game will be released any time soon, but what it does signify is that people like myself are going to be able to get into it and start playing the project that many people have dreamed about for years. You can still find maps on the original SC that are named StarCraft 2, because at that time it seemed Blizzard had given up to pursue other interests in the Warcraft Universe. Earlier this week, there was news that Blizzard had an all-star title coming up sometime this year. With the open betas in the months range, I think SC2 is a good guess as to Blizzard’s 2009 title. Man I hope Battle.net is still free, spliting the game up into three parts was bad enough.

Moving at the speed of the internet, a video leaked to youtube with a trailer for Dead Rising 2 has prompted Capcom to confirm that there is a second Dead Rising game in the works and that it will be on the XBox 360, PS3 and the PC! You can see the aforementioned video here

This time around it looks like the protagonist is clearly not Frank West, but some similarly strong chinned man that fancies matching his hair with his sporty bike jacket. The zombie infested mall sandbox has been given a theme swap and now puts the player in some sort of luxury resort casino called Fortune City.

Dead Rising was developed and distributed by Capcom, Dead Rising 2 will still be distributed by Capcom but developed by Blue Castle Games, a developer that until now has only made a few sports games. As with all fast breaking news, details are still scarce but when it’s considered that the first Dead Rising has established a fan base and Dead Rising 2 will be multi-platform there’s little reason, other than Blue Castle Games’ repertoire, that it won’t play or sell well.