Anyway, Sonic games. Yeah yeah, I know. sonic has been REALLY bad lately. And it hurts me deep… but there are good ones. Lemme show yah what ones.

Starting with a newer game:

Sonic and the Black Knight

No, really. I’m not kidding. The concept for this game was HORRIBLE, but the execution is pretty damn good. Sonic is summoned to the land of King Arthur by a cute loli version of Merlin named (surprise!) Merlina and after some delicious chili dog eating, Sonic gets a magic talking sword named “Caliburn”. The action is fast, and the sword allows you to obliterate most enemies without a care in the world. Now, like Secret Rings, there are a few slowdowns. There are points where you have to give villagers rings and there are large enemies that don’t go down in one hit, but everything else in the game is a pretty damn good time. I don’t really recommend it for someone who doesn’t like Sonic, but it’s worth a try even if  you don’t.

Sonic Rush

This is the game where Blaze the Cat was introduced. The story for this game is something like Blaze comes from the negaverse and there are funky Chaos Emerald style gems there as well and Blaze is looking for them… It doesn’t matter much, it’s really not important. This game also introduced something I think all Sonic games need: A boost meter. You can use it to get to speed with a small burst or use it to destroy everything in your path for a short time. It’s filled by rings, doing mid-air tricks or defeating enemies. It’s awesome and EVERY SINGLE SONIC GAME SHOULD HAVE IT FOREVER.

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE BEST

Sonic CD

Oh god, this is one of the best Sonic games in my opinion. It brings together some of the best parts of the first three Sonic games, but it adds in cool shit like time travel and some of the most fucking amazing music ever. The level design is amazing, the bosses are challenging and the time travel mechanic gives each level a wonderfully fresh feel. The game has good replayability and looks totally amazing. It’s for the Sega CD, PC and is an unlockable in the Sonic Mega Collection.

And, finally…

Sonic 3 & Knuckles

What happens if you take one of the most critically acclaimed Sonic games, then add the functionality to play as FUCKING KNUCKLES? You get one of the coolest things ever. Ever. This is seriously one of the best things that 16 bits has to offer. Climb shit, swim in the water, get around… You can do it all. You can do it with Sonic 2 as well.

That wraps up this stuff. Sorry about being gone so long, personal shit…

Anyway, I hope that soon I will be able to contribute regularly again!

Till next time!

Jumpluff~

While Sony has made several blunders in the current gen console war one of the biggest was allowing Call of Duty 4 to go multi-platform. The game has become such a runaway success that it could have single-handedly changed the face of the war as we know it. Perhaps equally as big was allowing Grand Theft Auto 4 to go multi-platform. Although the game sold about 45/55%  on the PS3 and Xbox 360 respectively, there are rumblings that the next installment in the GTA series may become a Playstation exclusive by default.

Wait, what the hell are you talking about?

As has been documented, Rockstar was notably unhappy with the limitations of the DVD-9 format on the Xbox 360 and how it affected GTA 4. As we’ve all seen though, both versions of the game are practically the same. The rumblings this time around though are seem to be much more boisterous. Early rumours have Rockstar threatening to not release GTA5 on the Xbox, but that begs the question: Why? Why sacrifice all the money you would undoubtedly make by only creating the game for one console?

Although one can never account for backroom dealings and shattered business relationships, there is really only one answer.

They want their game to be good.

Was GTA4 lacking on the Xbox 360? Of course not. It was Game of the Year. It recieved rave reviews across the board. But could it have been better? WOULD it have been better if it had only been released for a single console? Of course. This applies to any game released on any console exclusively though. What makes this time around special is that the GTA developers may in fact be willing to part with the extra revenue in order to better perfect their craft which seems absolutely ludicrous in our current economic standings. It is not to say that Rockstar would be the first group to sacrifice sales for art. It is however to say that doing so now could prove to be an earth shaking event that has an indelible effect on how Video Games are made.

In a world driven by profit, and in an industry not well renowned for being bohemian, this kind of move would be as surprising as it would be dramatic. A triple-A developer openly supporting both their own art and A specific console could sway other third party developers to do the same. It would also give other developers a comfortable “out” to abandon a platform they wouldn’t want to develop on for fear of not returning enough profit. After all, in such hard economic times, it’s surprising that more companies aren’t already doing this and attributing it towards a need for the betterment of the game as opposed to monetary restrictions. Keep in mind as well, if Halo 3, Gears of War and Metal Gear Solid 4 have shown us anything, exclusive games can still sell ridiculously well regardless of being exclusive.

That being said, the whole “pursuing art” argument could simply be an excuse from Rockstar after the fact. Rockstar has a contractual obligation to produce 3 exclusive games for the PS3 as reported by the Hiphopgamer (through an interview with an industry insider) and other sources. We know one of these games is Agent, another one of these games may supposedly be the somewhat forgotten L.A. Noire, a sandbox game set in the 1930’s. GTA 5 would probably be not all that different than 4 regardless of development time and console exclusivity, and if L.A. Noire is factored in, that would mean all of the three promised exclusives would be off the table.

If one wanted to be even more pessimistic, this could be seen as also be seen as a moving away from Microsoft has the prime conduit for producing games. Take-Two openly denied Microsoft’s exclusivity bid for Bioshock 2 while EA is now releasing Dead Rising 2 on the PS3. Capcom has also recently confirmed a concurrent release of Lost Planet 2. Along with a slew of exclusives for the PS3, this could seem very dramatic, but there are still a lot of positives for the Xbox.

Don't worry cousin, beeg American teetee's will probably come to all platforms (minus Wii)

Even though EA has clearly made Dead Rising 2 multi-platform, the status of Mass Effect is still up in the air. Microsoft also has Epic, Bethesda and VALVe onboard as companies who are much more enamored with Microsoft than they are with Sony. And of course, staying with the pessimism, Microsoft has one very, very big asset. A seemingly inexhaustible amount of money. Everyone has their price, and a company as rich as Microsoft can probably name yours.

Microsoft made Rockstar rich. Rockstar took at least 30% of every sale from the GTA4 expansion pack, along with the millions of dollars they recieved from the exclusivity deal itself. Ultimately, beyond all of this industry wheeling and dealing as well as speculation, it just doesn’t seem like anyone can resist the siren song of the greenback. Perhaps that’s why I find it so interesting that the such a bohemian notion can be expressed by Rockstar. Even with evidence showing that it could be legitimate and genuine (undoubtedly in the exclusivity of Agent), I’m still not convinced that such dedication to art can even exist in our modern day industry. If it does come to pass though. it might just spur on the innovation and advancement in the industry that some believe is lacking. And if this kind of innovation can occur when times are tough, imagine how sweet it could be in times of plenty.

They say that variety is the spice of life, but I believe passion can be equally spicy. It’s what drives people to write fanfiction and to petition developers to turn dreams into reality.

Passion can be a double-edged sword, though. Sometimes, all it takes is a single real or perceived disappointment  to turn your feelings against the object of your emotional attachment.

Take the case of a little discussion I had with a friend of mine last night. Being die-hard fans of the Atlus’ Trauma Center series, my friend and I were understandably elated when we heard that Trauma Team would be coming to the Wii in the near future.

Please note that my friend is a BIG Nozomi Kimishima (aka Naomi Weaver) fan. Being the inquisitive student that she is, she immediately Googled around for more info about the game and her favorite character. What she discovered made her emotions do a complete one hundred and eighty degree turn. You see, she unfortunately came upon this little article.

Remember the comment I made in my other article about how some of the new doctors look like younger versions of verteran Trauma Center surgeons? It turns out I was partly right. The lady with silver-blue hair in the roster of Trauma Team specialists is apparently Dr. Kimishima herself, and she has graduated from being a hotshot doctor to being a forensics expert.

My friend immediately flew into a rage at the revelation. She vehemently argued that Dr. Kimishima is a master surgeon, not a CSI agent. This led to a bit of a discussion wherein I tried to calm her down. Perhaps this is an alternate universe Kimishima, I theorized. After all, didn’t producer Kanada-san mention something about Trauma Team being a whole new game and not a sequel?

Despite my best efforts, my friend would have none of it. Seething with righteous indignation, she seems to be dead set on boycotting this new medical sim completely.

On the other hand, I’m feeling a bit more forgiving. Granted, the good doctor may have made a rather…odd career move, and her new portrait makes her look suspiciously younger than she’s supposed to be (plastic surgery, perhaps?), but it’s still nice to see her alive and well after Second Opinion.

Now all Atlus has to do is to announce the existence of a playable obstetrician slash gynecolotist in Trauma Team and my day will be complete.

Nintendo broke away from competition with Sony and, new arrival, Microsoft with what some call the “Blue Ocean” business strategy. The Blue Ocean strategy is the metaphor of leaving a “red ocean” (one dyed by the blood of competition) for unclaimed waters filled with the potential for creating new demand. From a business stand point this brave (or stupid) move has paid off and now Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 are competing for second place.

Nintendo managed to succeed because they did something more than incrementally improve and repurpose old features. Yes, Gentle Reader, I’m talking about the “I” word, innovation. It’s debatable if the Wii controller is a true innovation as some gamers will still belittle it and mock it, but from a business standpoint it’s a successful change that’s brought in tremendous profit. Nintendo is as guilty as everyone else of giving us sequels by the truck load, most games in each series offer something new every one or two games. In truth, sequels are not really a bad thing as long as they are different enough that it stands on its own or adds to the previous experience.

This is the potential folly faced by Microsoft and Sony. If both companies continue to try and outdo the other, this means they have to rely on the other to show them where it is they are going. As mentioned before, it’s a tradition in the game industry to play copy cat with your opponents and then sell what they made for a lower price or with something more appealing attached. The game Sony and Microsoft are playing is the equivalent of trying to race someone you’re following to an unknown finish line.

If the two titans do not exercise some real creative muscle and insight, they run the risk of choking their audiences’ current interest. History has shown that strokes of genius like Katamari Damacy are not that common and while they may be risky or appear too weird, it’s that their quirkiness that aid to its success. The first GTA games offered sandbox gameplay, but GTA 3 took the top down world and made it more accessible by giving the player more dimensions to see everything. This reinvention (or innovation) has made the name Grand Theft Auto globally known.

Rehashed games, or those that don’t provide much of a new gaming experience, can poison a series or genre. If the games they make for the “core” gamer are not more than uninventive sequels the interest will dissolve and the audience will vanish or develop new preferences. The market has become swamped with First Person Shooters and while some may feel that’s not bad, it clearly demonstrates that developers are vying for the attention of a certain niche while alienating possibilities. As mentioned before, even if Nintendo did not stir up this casual boom, the publishers seemed to become more focused on producing games they KNOW will sell then those that can expand the market.

When we consider that the Xbox 360 has introduced its Mii-like “Avatars” and has begun promoting its “family friendly games” and that the Playstation 3 has its “six axis” controller and demonstrated a recent swelling of fresh but casual Playstation Store games their actions foreshadow that the duo are once again trying to outdo the other as they look for the path Nintendo made. Sony and Microsoft could just stick with the audience that has carried them to their current success, but like I proposed in part 1, only a fool (or altruistic gamer) would turn down the easy money casual games bring in.

I’d expect the next Microsoft console to utilize some sort of Wii remote like peripheral and the Playstation 3 to get it’s own version of the Wii remote. If Microsoft wishes to make the most money possible, their Wii remote copy will be a peripheral rather than a brand new system.

You might think “The End is Nigh” if you’re a core gamer that detests those happy, care free casual gamers. In the event that Sony and Microsoft act like a business and chase the money, a core gamer’s won’t be lost in a changing industry if the new audience leans how to discern between crap games and software worth its price tag. If all else fails there’s always indie games.

So as of now, these are the ominous black clouds that loom over the game industry. Nintendo is getting flogged with junk casual games and Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 run the risk of tiring their comparatively small (compared to the number of casuals) core audience with incremental improvements of current software.

During the Great Depression, American movie theaters saw steady business as the consumer hungered for an escape from the troubled economy. In today’s global economic recession, it seems that people still want that escape and video games are the medium that provide it even better than a mere 2 hour movie for 20 some dollars (if you get popcorn and a drink.) The road that lies before the game industry is not likely to disappear, no matter how cluttered it becomes with obstacles. That way ahead may be uncertain, but it is not lost when there are companies that will forge new paths and people that pine for the experience.

What do you do when you’re faced with a major loss? Some people go for the extreme “solution” and commit suicide. Others attempt to drown out their sorrows with alcohol. Me, I fixate on video games.

This was especially true during the first half of 2007. During that year, two people were diagnosed with cancer.  One was the father of a friend of mine. The other one was my mother.

To make a long story short, my friend’s father pulled through. My mother didn’t.

I’d already played a bit of Trauma Center: Second Opinion before she died. After her passing, I went all out. I rented the Nintendo Wii at my friend’s Internet Cafe.  I played almost non-stop everyday from the time it opened till the time it closed its doors before dawn. At the time, it seemed to be one of my main forms of coping with the stages of Kubler-Ross’ model.

For those of you who may not be familiar with Dr. Kubler-Ross model, allow me to explain. There are supposedly five stages that people go through when they’re faced with traumatic loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It’s a highly contested model, as the stages aren’t exactly set in stone.

For some reason, I skipped the denial and bargaining stages entirely and went straight to anger and depression, flitting back and forth between the two as I played Trauma Center with a vengeance.

Was it escapism? Definitely. I needed to forget my problems, if only for a little while. Dr. Derek Stiles, the main character of the game, possessed superhuman healing powers that helped me do just that.

Whenever I extracted a tumor from my virtual patient in the game, I imagined I was extracting the tumors from my mother’s body. Whenever I had Dr. Stiles activate his Healing Touch, I played make-believe and envisioned him operating on my mother and saving her life.

Of course, I only had so much time to do that. When the shop eventually closed, I was right back where I started: grieving, hurting, and absolutely clueless as to what to do next.

I’ve often likened my gaming habits at the time to going deep-sea diving. Sometimes, divers may be tempted not to return to the surface because it’s so beautiful down in the ocean depths. They can stay in their fantasy world and forget about all their problems…until they run out of oxygen.

At some point, I moved on. I don’t remember exactly what triggered it–I just decided to do it, and I did it.

Perhaps I’d gotten tired of grieving. Perhaps I’d told myself that getting on with my life was what my mother would’ve wanted. Perhaps I realized that failing to move on would have been a grave dishonor to her memory. Perhaps it’s because I’d finished Trauma Center’s story mode.

In any case, I picked up Trauma Center: New Blood months later. There was one big difference this time: I didn’t play it to forget; I played it to have fun.

It’s been two years since Mom passed away. I’d like to think that she’s looking down at me from Heaven and smiling. Perhaps I’ll invest in a Nintendo DS and try out Trauma Center 2 as well.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I’ll see you, Grandma Mai, Grandma Zeny and Grandpa Pai again someday.

Now I don’t mean bad endings as in “You didn’t complete a mission objective – bad end” sorta bad endings, but ones that are just highly disappointing and brief or offer little closure.

This may become a weekly thing, I’m not too sure, but today we cover four from the days of my childhood.

#4 – Bad Dudes :

Internet memes aside, really what the hell, a solid beat’em up on the NES where President Ronnie takes the Bad Dudes out for Hamburger after they beat up a legion of ninjas who kidnapped him. I mean really think about that. That’s it? I’d feel kinda pissed off if I was them. Also, what the hell did the ninjas kidnap the president for? Was this part of a larger global plot? What were their demands? Also – why the hell weren’t these guys part of the President’s elite personal security to begin with if they’re such Bad Dudes?

Screw you man, saving your ass is only worth a Burger?

#3 – Kid niki: Radical Ninja :

Marginally ahead of Bad Dudes is Kid Niki, another game published by Data east (who apparently have a fetish for using terms like BAD and RADICAL and AWESOME in their game titles.) In kid Niki it’s a little platformer a la Mystical Ninja. If you haven’t played it, don’t It’s relatively bad, the controls are clunky and the ending is down right horrible. After smacking around a boss who is not hard as much as he is time consuming (wait for him to finish attacks that make him untouchable, hit him, get your sword back, repeat) he falls off the castle roof and you jump down to pose on top of his fallen body. You are then praised by a quick narrative about your AWESOME NINJA SKILLS and told that you are one RAD DUDE then a giant flying THE END wooshes onto the screen.

Dear god it’s an attack of the Michael Jacksons!

WOAH hold the hell on there a second, I’m the RADDEST NINJA WITH AWESOME SKILLS of all time, and I’m still KID?? Seriously? How degrading! Why not “Mystical Ninja Niki” or “Supreme Master Niki” Sorry that this kid just whooped the hell out of a million ninjas attacking our castle while nobody else could and defeated a supreme mystical martial arts master – maybe I should go back to playing with my toys.                               Ingrates

#2 – Adventure of Lolo :

BEFORE YOU SEND ME HATE MAIL – I am by no means saying this is a bad game. In fact it’s probably in my top 100 favorite games of all time. Man those puzzles were freakin hard and the game was charming in all it’s various features. The little monsters creeped me out, the puzzles were challenging but made sense, and once you got a feel for it all it was really freakin fun. But seriously – he just kicks in the door and blasts his lady’s keeper with a bubble and that’s all it took? I mean seriously. I expected some sort of epic confrontation, instead – PEW PEW yay the day is saved. I mean for Pete’s sake the random baddies were harder than that.

I mean really, the look of despair in his eyes does not belay how lame that bad guy is.

And # 1 – Legacy of the Wizard :

Like seriously, what an epic game. Tons of items to get that change your stats, different characters/classes to chose from, a HUGE sprawling game world that you can get literally lost in for hours without remember how the hell to get back to your house to save. One of the earliest password/save systems that I can think of so you didn’t have to waste hours of work. What a sweet game.

Then you kill the dragon, teleport back to the surface, meet up with the family and wave goodbye.

Thats it.

I am glad to see they are grateful for us controlling their pathetic lives. God knows what they’d do without us.

I’m sorry, why did we just slay a dragon? What now? Apparently that dragon’s been hanging out there for ages, are all the monsters gonna disappear now? Will the entire under-city that was the maze crumble and the world fall apart? Seriously, what now?

Also, what’s with that huge ass castle off to the left of the entrance to the maze? Who lives there? why are there not knights helping you kick monster ass and take names? SERIOUSLY LETS GO EXPLORE THAT CASTLE OR SOMETHING. No, lets just wave goodbye. Solid.

Well that’s about it for this edition of Highly Disappointing Endings – I suppose next time I’ll move to a different system, maybe that can be the theme. Each week I’ll review the bad endings of a particular console.

What about you guys, do you feel the same way I do about these? Got a particular NES game that you thought had a horrible ending that I should have talked about instead? Lemmie know.

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Keep up to date with games I’m checking out, import or otherwise and learn about whats new.

Would you wait nine years before you bought a console of your own?

I’d like to think that the universe sends you signs when the time for something is right. For example, I noticed certain hints in the past few weeks, and all of them had at least one common denominator.

Sign Number One: a friend of mine who owns an Internet cafe (the very same cafe where I’ve been renting his PS2 per hour) said “maybe you should get your own console.”

Sign Number Two: I received a little news item when I logged on to Windows Live Messenger. Sony had apparently slashed the price of the PlayStation 2 down to US$100.

Sign Number Three: An ad on the Internet mentioned that someone was selling her PS2 for a little over US$50.

I figured these three signals were enough for me to go around. It was time.

I sent an SMS to the seller and made a new friend that day. We chatted online and I interrogated her about the details of the unit she was selling. Turns out it was an old, bulky, dusty SCPH-30001 model PlayStation 2.  The package came with a memory card and a few games like Capcom Classics Collection Volume 2 and TMNT.

The not-so-nice part was that it came with no AC or A/V cables and no controller. She claimed it still worked fine, but given the fact that she lived a few thousand kilometers away, I wouldn’t have been able to test her claims until the unit arrived. If she was up to any hanky-panky, it would’ve been too late by then.

I’m normally not inclined to taking risks like that, but for some reason, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I deposited the payment in her bank account and eagerly awaited the unit’s arrival.  The seller had it delivered to my doorstep, free of charge.

I thought I’d be able to play once I got the cables and the controller. Boy, was I wrong. The unit was still functional, but the lens no longer read discs very well, so it had to be replaced.

I visited the tech people at three or four different shops,  all of whom gave me either a shrug or a grim diagnosis.  It was only the adventurous technicians at the third shop who took on the challenge of acquiring and installing the right lens.

I liked their attitude, so I left the unit and my phone number with them. They got back to me the very next day and asked me to help test out the replacement lens they’d found.

The new lens worked, but not perfectly; it still needed a bit of coaxing from time to time. Besides, it read my Persona 4 disc just fine. That sealed the deal.

As I type this article out, I’m reminded of the words of Nintendo’s Satoru Iwata. He claimed that Japanese get tired of new entertainment more quickly than overseas gamers. And there I was, getting all excited over a console which is several years old.

Is it any real surprise, though? Given the fact that the Japanese have the means to churn out the games quickly,  it follows that they tend to tire of those games just as quickly. After all, they didn’t have to wait nine long years to get a PS2 of their own.

Perhaps that character from the old TV show The West Wing was right after all (I paraphrase):  “We esteem lightly that which we acquire easily.” With respect to that, I suspect it’ll be a while before I tire of this PS2. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be another nine years before I upgrade to this year’s next-gen consoles.

When I was a kid, there was a game series  that EVERYONE played, or else they were stupid.  Even the local Sega fans begrudgingly picked up a SNES, or borrowed one from a friend, for just one game.  If you’re in the know, and read the title of this article, you’ve probably guessed that the series in question is The Legend of Zelda.  If you didn’t guess that, you probably owned (Or still own) an XBox.

Now, I bring this up because I’ve been playing The Wind Waker again, because I just got my GameCube back, and unfortunately, my favourite games, Metroid Prime 1&2, were destroyed.  So I pulled out my next favourite, and it’s definitely worthwhile to play through.

I won’t recap the story or something, this isn’t a review of the game.  This is me stating the reasons why I love Toon Link, and why you’re a jerk if you don’t.

1. Toon Link is much more similar in style to the Links of olde than the Heroes of Time and Twilight.  Think about it:  Zelda has been very cartoony ever since I can remember.  It was a game for kids!  There were even childrens’ books based on the series.  Admittedly, it’s a step past the oldschool level of cartoony-ness, but it feels like a much more natural progression than the GRIMDARK of Majora’s Mask and Twilight Princess.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Zelda fangirl through and through, and I love those games as well.  Hell, I’d even call Majora’s Mask one of my favourite games ever.  But compare the imagery for a moment.  The middle, A Link to the Past, has a brightly coloured, cartoony character, comically disproportionate characters, and PINK HAIR.  I chose that screenshot because that’s as GRIMDARK as the game gets:  A dark tunnel with an old man asking for directions.  There wasn’t a ‘new style’ in The Windwaker, only a progression of the old style.
2. Link’s face (And to a lesser extent, the other characters) have incredibly expressive faces and body language.  The big heads allowed for a very clear view of what the characters were thinking and feeling.  When Link yelped in terror, his eyes went wide and he gritted his teeth.  When he was sad, his mouth curled down into a frown and his entire body slumped over.  When he was happy, his mouth dropped open into the goofiest grin imaginable and he jumped for effing joy.  Exaggerated, yes, silly, yes, but the series is about a young boy saving a sad princess from an evil middle-eastern dude who turns into a gigantic anthropomorphic pig when he gets angry.
3. ZELDA ISN’T A PUSSY.  Usually, anyway.  She’s a badass smacktalking pirate who calls Link on his shit whenever he does something retarded.  The only time she wimps out is when she’s in shock from finding out that she’s the princess of a dead nation, and then she comes back and SHOOTS GANON IN THE FACE, because he’s such a skilled swordsman that he’s invincible in a duel.  Let me say that again, SHE SHOOTS AN INVINCIBLE PSYCHOPATH IN THE FACE TO MAKE SURE LINK CAN BEAT HIM.
4. With the introduction of counterattacks, and improvement to swordplay in general, it allows for a final boss who is not only fun to fight (Something that most Zelda games don’t have) but for a death scene which will forever live on in memory as one of the most painful, awesome things to watch in the history of Nintendo, right up there with the blood-soaked, spinning, disembodied eyeball at the end of Kirby’s Deam Land 3.
5. Yes, it’s a kiddy, cartoony, even childish looking style of animation.  Half of you watch anime, with its idealized 2 dimensional love stories and people yelling out the names of their ’special attacks’ anyways, so why does that bother you?  If you’re willing to pass up because it looks childish, even though it’s part of a series you had up-to-then enjoyed, I got some bad news for you, it’s not the game that’s being childish.

Yes, there are low-points to the game.  It’s very clearly not finished, and I hope for a Director’s Cut version one day.  It is artificially extended by necessary fetch-quests.  I’m glad I didn’t pay full price for it at release for those reasons (I got it as a gift, in fact, and my mother got it for free).  But  now I see it up at used game stores for $10-$15.  Hell, there’s a copy on ebay right at this time for $6.00.  If you passed it up, and you love Zelda, you’ll be doing yourself a favour.  The comic imagery at times is priceless, and the story, standard Zelda fare, leaves nothing to be desired for a fan of the series.

Peace.

Presenting…

…The Top Five Signs That a DLC Should Have Just Been Free

Brought to you by Fedora Man

Well it finally April and you have to love how easy it is to open an article with the lines “so it’s finally whatever month we’re in right now”. It’s time for the next step in my great journey to earn money through a video game blog. Now I know you might be wondering “I thought you had billions! Were you lying to me?” The answer is of course, no. Stupid. Why would I make something like that up? But the difference between that money and the money I’ll earn on this site is I actually had to do work to earn it, unlike my corporation where I really don’t do any work at all. I can show all my friend “yeah this is the ten dollars I earned THROUGH WORK!” and if they say that they also have a job and have made more money, I’ll pull out my emergency one million dollars that I always keep stashed in my pants and laugh at them, probably while rubbing the money all over myself.

Now I’m sure that everyone reading this right now loves to hear all the stories that end with me rubbing money all over myself (and there are a lot of them) but now is neither the time, nor the place for me to describe my achievements to the world. Mainly because I think that might blow my secret identity and also I don’t think anyone would let me post an article called “The Top Five Ways to Rub Money All Over Yourself Like a Pro”. Instead I’m going to write about some game related phenomena, but only because I have to.

That brings me to my greatest problem: what the hell am I going to write about? There aren’t any games coming out these days (according to me) and writing about one specific past game has been done by everyone and their grandma. At first I was thinking “Heroes of Might and Magic 2, everyone will love to hear about that!” before moving to and idea about specific overrated games. Then one night I was staying up late to try to perfect the insertion of a giant blade into my fedora. Some might call that an oddjob rip off, but those same people might find it hard to speak when, say, a razor-bladed hat cuts their entire mouth off. Anyway it was around 6 am that I decided “screw it I’m too tired to think up a new idea” and settled for this one.

Now if you’re like me (and you’re not at all like me) then you too have expressed frustration at some of the worst excuses for DLC (downloadable content if you somehow made it to this point in the article without knowing what that is) ever made. That’s not to say that all DLC is bad and that it should all be free because there are small amounts of DLC that actually seem to have been worked hard on and deserve some sort of monetary reimbursement (the shivering isles for Oblivion is the first thing that comes to mind). Of course for every shivering isles there are hundreds of “screw you, give me all your money” DLCs or as I like to affectionately call them “dog shit”. I’m sure that this isn’t just at 360 problem, it’s probably also a problem with the PS3 but I wouldn’t know now would I? So here are the signs to identify if the dog shit you just bought should have been free.

Number 5: When the DLC is Free Anyway

Example: Call of Duty 4: Variety Map Pack

This is probably the one that isn’t about dog shit (I’m very much hoping the editor doesn’t take offense to that word being used over and over again). This is one of the cases where the DLC might actually be good but in any case it isn’t free even when say, THEY OFFER IT FOR FREE ANYWAY!

Take the above example for instance. The Call of Duty 4 map pack was offered for free via a code in the Game of the Year Edition. The cost of the Game of the Year Edition is exactly the same as the original game so you’d think they’d start offering the map pack for free, right? Wrong (as always)! I’m not exactly sure why they’d do this (other than the obvious “I want more money” approach) yet it seems like around the time they started offering free map packs they’d just go ahead and put it out for free on the marketplace anyway. There’s only one possible explanation: to piss off hat-based crime fighters.

Hell, that reminds me; before I go on I’d like to tell a little story about my experience with these “free” maps. It started like any other day, random death hurricanes mixed with volcanoes and a zombie apocalypse, you know, nothing special. So I decided that I’d go and get Call of Duty 4 because I was in a crime fighting slump (only because I imprisoned all my enemies) and so I decided to blow off some steam by mercilessly killing people on the internet. I picked out my game and brought it to the Gamestop counter where the cashier was like “I’ll give you the game of the year edition, it doesn’t cost anymore and it gives you free maps.” So I was like “sweet free maps, thanks you pimply faced bastard, I’ll be sure not to violently attack you in the future over game prices.” So as I got back home I opened the box… nothing. There was a game and an instruction booklet but that pimply faced sonofabitch lied to me! There wasn’t any map code at all! Now my first reaction was to don my fedora and jacket/trench coat (have to protect my secret identity) and go back to that store to kick all kinds of ass. But I’m a detective too and my detective-like instincts told me that it probably wasn’t that pimply faced bastard’s fault. Using my fedora-shaped super computer I quickly got confirmation that this had happened to many other people as well. In the end, after a brief bout with tech support that should have just began and ended with the word “bastard” I never got my maps. I’m just waiting for the time that they become free, WHICH THEY NEVER WILL!

Number 4: When the Game in Question has a Sequel

Example: Call of Duty 4: Variety Map Pack

Call of Duty again? Really? Well that’s just an example; there are many games like this. Again this isn’t necessarily dog shit but I promise that the next one will be about dog shit, you dog shit enthusiast you. Anyway the reason I claim that the DLC (which may or may not be dog shit to appease all you crazy people) should be free once a sequel comes out because sales probably drop rapidly over time once the sequel hits stores. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works, but don’t take my word on it, it’s not like I know a lot about business (although I do run a multi-billion dollar business in my free time). I don’t think anyone is rushing out to go buy Halo 2, or Mario Party 3 (despite how awesome Mario Party 3 was) so I’ve taken this rule and applied it to damn near any other game. Maybe I can understand not immediately making it free but in the above example Call of Duty 5 (or Call of Duty: whatever the hell they’re calling it these days) has been out for nearly half a year and I doubt that the Call of Duty 4 will have those free maps in another four or five months time. Granted the two were made by different developers but that’s beside the point. Give me the free maps! I demand it!

Number 3: When the DLC Doesn’t Add Anything Special to the Game

Example: Bomberman Live: Bomb-Up Packs

So NOW we’re talking about dog shit. Again I’m hoping the editor doesn’t come to my house and challenge me to a fist fight for using that so often. In any case I could talk about this in depth but the name says it all. The dog shit doesn’t add a whole lot to the game so it should be free on the grounds that I don’t want to pay you to add pretty much nothing to the overall gameplay.

Take my above example… for example (does that even work?) Bomberman’s bomb-up packs should definitely have been free or just included it in the original game. With the pack comes a bunch of gametypes and maps no one online plays anyway (we’re all too busy playing on the good starting maps with the non-stupid game variants to care). It’s like opening a gift on Christmas to get a playstation 2, a gamecube, or an xbox when you already have the better console. But gosh there’s really not more to say about it, maybe I’m complaining too much or maybe… just maybe… you’re not complaining enough.

Number 2: When the DLC is Just a Little Polish to an Otherwise Bland Turd Sandwich

Example: Crackdown (whatever that weapon pack is called)

I wanted to research what the dog shit was called here to retain my journalistic and genius vigilante integrity but I honestly didn’t care. Now let me set one thing straight, whereas Number 3 on the list (the one you just read if you read like a normal human being or super being) was about something that should be free based on the fact that it added little to a good game, this one is about DLC which could be good or bad that adds little to a horrible game. That’s right; I beat the system by having ALMOST identical but still slightly different types of DLC on display. Wooh!

Anyway I’m sure you (yes you, the guy in the red baseball cap) can think of a ton of DLC and games like this, but let’s go with my example because I already took the time to write it down. Now Crackdown wasn’t THAT bad of a game… okay yeah it was. The whole game was GTA or Saints Row with a ton of collection and not a lot of anything else. Shooting civilians was a power-up losing crime too, so there goes all the random slaughtering fun. The goal of the game is to collect orbs and kill a bunch of bad guys. You’re basically like Super Man except with a gun (or a slightly more athletic Fedora Man, with super powers, a gun, and no awesome hat). So after the fun of jumping around rooftops and shooting people wears off about six hours into the game what’s left to do? Well Realtime Worlds (the developers) has the answer in the form of a content pack sure to add a couple more hours of fun to the game. You get a weapon like the harpoon gun which is cool in that you can fire harpoons at people and stick them to cars and buildings and trees and other people. Where was the downside again? Oh right the fact that there’s a fuggin’ price tag associated with it. What the hell?! I paid sixty dollars for your game! There is no way in hell I’m going to spend six to ten dollars more to make your game NOT suck as much. You may think I’m being a little frustrated this time, because if there’s anything Fedora Man is known for its definitely not violent outbursts of vigilante justice. But that’s what happens when you stay up too late and you keep slicing off your fingers with your stupid razor-blade lined hat that STILL DOESN’T WORK!

But hey let’s look on the bright side. I’d like to take this time to get away from all the anger and pessimism and quickly point out Left 4 Dead. It’s a decent game, not too bad, not too good. But it appears that they’re coming out with DLC soon to make the game better. You know what I like the most about it without even having to look up gameplay videos on youtube? The fact that valve decided to not be a bunch of assholes and release the DLC free. So there, at least I tried to make this article slightly happier with a contrast between dog shit and decent DLC, as well as decent business practices in general.

Number 1: When the DLC in Question Sucks

Example: Too many to count

Damn even the example is a little depressing. There’s like a sea of dog shit out there (not literally you creep) and you know a DLC should be free when the DLC itself sucks. Really, this one ties into every other group category. By now you must be wondering “is there some kind of evil video game-themed villain out there causing all the DLC in the world to suck?” Well no, there was once, but he died in 1983 when the video game crash happened. It was weird and sad because the one thing he was trying to destroy was the only thing keeping him alive. Once the games became bad enough the crash happened and he died. It’s tragic, which is why I’m writing a play about it. I’m thinking of starring the lead role to Adam West and maybe get Jackie Chan in there somehow; we’ll have to see how it turns out.

Anyway there’s really not much more to say but hell I have time to kill in between creating my razor-bladed fedora and fighting demons from beyond time and space. So I’ll start with a little known game called Halo 2 (does anyone remember this game?). Halo 2 had four or five map packs, with the last one having two levels “Desolation” and “turd sandwich” or… something like that, I can’t remember (and I refuse to look it up). Anyway both were remakes and both were TERRIBLE. Although I’m not ashamed to own the Halo series, I am deeply ashamed to have put any money down toward this map pack. Turd sandwich was a terrible level and desolation was… also terrible (cut me some slack I’m tired AND I saved the world yesterday, shut up). Look I’ll give you another example: Halo 3. Halo 3 (and I use the halo series because of its general accessibility so people know what I’m talking about) had the “Heroic map pack” which was so bloody awful that I had to think twice before ever purchasing any kind of map pack EVER AGAIN! It was like they had a staff meeting but only three people showed up and they left after five minutes after someone said “but think about the customers” and someone else responded with “screw the customers!”

I’ll give you one more you might not have thought about: gamer pictures. Yeah those things, you actually have to pay for them. I think I’ll leave it at that instead of pointing out the crippling stupidity in paying for tiny pictures rather than picking up a fedora to hide your identity and going out to vigilante the shit out of the gaming industry.

If you’re unfamiliar, I’ll give you a quick rundown.  There are a bunch of cute little animals you could adopt in a variety of colours and designs, with whom you can play games (Which are more often than not cutely redecorated clones of Apple IIe 5 1/4in floppy titles reprogrammed in Flash), train at various schools to raise their stats, and of course, have the viciously beat the hell out of each other.

The site was initially started by two Welsh people in California, named Adam Powell and Donna Williams.  It was essentially a website full of games for college students to pass the time.  Of course, the cutesy look attracted more and more players, mostly young kids like myself, and the whole thing began to take off.  The site grew, the staff grew, and eventually they realized that they were losing ridiculous amounts of money.  They tried to make it up without advertising on the site:  Merchandise was the way to go.  Limited Too, Hot Topic, Claire’s Boutique and others began carrying stuffed animals, t-shirts, jewelry and action figures, and admittedly, it was pretty cool.

Obviously, it didn’t work for long.  And along with adding small ads to the site, service started to slip: Reports of accounts being banned by mistake, rude responses by customer service personnel, and just an overall feeling of ‘what happened’ plagued the site.  I would later find out that it had been owned by a group of investors, as a publicly traded company, for quite some time.

And it was still losing money.

I quit, for a long time.  It happens, I guess:  It was an addiction I just outgrew, unlike heroin (There are no 12-step programs for Neopets to my knowledge).  I went on to other things, better games, communities with an average age higher than 12.  That was a long time ago.

Recently though, I saw my foster-sister playing something vaguely familiar.  I cocked an eyebrow and asked ‘Is that Neopets?’  She responded that it was, and was surprised I knew about it, after all I’m almost 7 years older than her.  I started to wonder if my old account was still there.  It was.  But it was buried in a mountain of obnoxious flash ads, a cash store for additional content, and many, many ‘updated’ games.

Much of the site now centered around ‘Neocash,’ the game’s RMT currency, with spotlights for the pets who have had the most of mom’s hard-earned cash spent to make the look tacky.  Many years-old promises have not been fulfilled, like finishing old plot arcs, and making the collectible clothes already in existence wearable by your pets.

Worst of all, the flash games are either drawn at such a high resolution, or just so poorly coded, that it takes a modern computer to run them.  Read that again:  IT TAKES A MODERN COMPUTER TO RUN A FLASH GAME THAT TAKES A MAXIMUM OF 3 MINUTES TO PLAY.

I really don’t know what else to say.  Humanity is doomed?  Everything has to evolve and change, but this feels more than a little sick.  I guess there’s not much else to it though:  It’s a publicly traded company, so it exists to make a profit.  Even so, fighting as a Cybunny soldier in the great Sloth wars is one of the few fuzzy memories of my early-mid teens.

I remember Eliv Thade, the great Lord of Anagrams.  I remember the Lab Ray which could perform unwanted Sexual Reassignment Surgery in seconds flat.  I remember my pets who fought valiantly against the evil Dr. Sloth, lord of all things slow and lazy.

I miss Neopets.  As casual-market video games go, it was tops.  Seriously.