As often as I’ve sat to ponder only to wittle away the time superfluously, I’ve equally played video games to the same effect.  I’ve not played them specifically to pass the time, as a need to further the hastening of my life has always seemed to dramatically unnecessary, at least in my eyes; do what you will. I’ve played them in order to find enjoyment and to experience fantastical elements not associated with with the humdrum of actuality, and then perhaps to feel a part of of that if only superficially.

In other words: to have fun.

It’s a pleasurable activity much in the same way sex has brought me pleasure though to a lesser extent (I’ll let you assume). I’ve found it so enjoyable that it has perhaps become ritual. All of a sudden, I would be left with no activities, work, or alternatives, and by way of tradition a controller would find its way into my hands. Astounding! “Perhaps I will play for a few moments until I go to sleep.” Inevitably those few moments turn into a few hours and I am forced to put myself to bed in an act of paradoxical self-control.

That’s how it used to be anyway.

Now, I’m lucky to find the time; it seems to have wandered off somewhere between school, work, and auditions and shows. When I do happen to pass it by, I can’t seem to work up the ire to get that controller into my hand, and then the time simply leaves me to other tasks.

I find it depressing. Just today I managed to sit my masculine ass down upon the couch in our common room to play for a spell, but that spell lasted for maybe only a few minutes before I put the controller back down.

So, I wonder: What is wrong with me? Do I not love video games? I bash myself for my inexplicable apathy. I quickly denounce the industry. Is it not their fault for creating such trash games? That’s simply a falsification. I’ve enjoyed many games this year and I do still enjoy them when I do play. Is it, then, that I’m far to busy to get around to actually play them? No. I do find time, and I blow it on internet frivolity. I then I become incredibly worried. Am I, perhaps worst-case scenario, growing up? I shudder to even think it.

Oh God

What is it then? Why this vidya impotence? I’m worried that, indeed, I am passing through a generation and leaving a dear old friend behind, but that simply cannot be. I still think back on certain games,  still anticipate new arrivals, still dream of that one goal or level I need to achieve or beat. I still play games, though sparingly. I do. I still enjoy them, too.

So then what? What?

I don’t know. I guess that this is a very important time in my life, I’m simply prioritizing,  and it’s hard for me to focus on playing a game when I derive so much enjoyment from my work in school and thereabout. That’s what it feels like, I suppose; I’m not sure.

No matter what the case, I just have to trust myself. I love games, and if I do, then I will come back to them.

Always have, always will.

So if you, like me, are suffering this lament, the best advice I could give is to not beat yourself up over it. That wouldn’t be fun, and that’s really all the vidya asks of us.