Presenting…

…The Top Five Signs That a DLC Should Have Just Been Free

Brought to you by Fedora Man

Well it finally April and you have to love how easy it is to open an article with the lines “so it’s finally whatever month we’re in right now”. It’s time for the next step in my great journey to earn money through a video game blog. Now I know you might be wondering “I thought you had billions! Were you lying to me?” The answer is of course, no. Stupid. Why would I make something like that up? But the difference between that money and the money I’ll earn on this site is I actually had to do work to earn it, unlike my corporation where I really don’t do any work at all. I can show all my friend “yeah this is the ten dollars I earned THROUGH WORK!” and if they say that they also have a job and have made more money, I’ll pull out my emergency one million dollars that I always keep stashed in my pants and laugh at them, probably while rubbing the money all over myself.

Now I’m sure that everyone reading this right now loves to hear all the stories that end with me rubbing money all over myself (and there are a lot of them) but now is neither the time, nor the place for me to describe my achievements to the world. Mainly because I think that might blow my secret identity and also I don’t think anyone would let me post an article called “The Top Five Ways to Rub Money All Over Yourself Like a Pro”. Instead I’m going to write about some game related phenomena, but only because I have to.

That brings me to my greatest problem: what the hell am I going to write about? There aren’t any games coming out these days (according to me) and writing about one specific past game has been done by everyone and their grandma. At first I was thinking “Heroes of Might and Magic 2, everyone will love to hear about that!” before moving to and idea about specific overrated games. Then one night I was staying up late to try to perfect the insertion of a giant blade into my fedora. Some might call that an oddjob rip off, but those same people might find it hard to speak when, say, a razor-bladed hat cuts their entire mouth off. Anyway it was around 6 am that I decided “screw it I’m too tired to think up a new idea” and settled for this one.

Now if you’re like me (and you’re not at all like me) then you too have expressed frustration at some of the worst excuses for DLC (downloadable content if you somehow made it to this point in the article without knowing what that is) ever made. That’s not to say that all DLC is bad and that it should all be free because there are small amounts of DLC that actually seem to have been worked hard on and deserve some sort of monetary reimbursement (the shivering isles for Oblivion is the first thing that comes to mind). Of course for every shivering isles there are hundreds of “screw you, give me all your money” DLCs or as I like to affectionately call them “dog shit”. I’m sure that this isn’t just at 360 problem, it’s probably also a problem with the PS3 but I wouldn’t know now would I? So here are the signs to identify if the dog shit you just bought should have been free.

Number 5: When the DLC is Free Anyway

Example: Call of Duty 4: Variety Map Pack

This is probably the one that isn’t about dog shit (I’m very much hoping the editor doesn’t take offense to that word being used over and over again). This is one of the cases where the DLC might actually be good but in any case it isn’t free even when say, THEY OFFER IT FOR FREE ANYWAY!

Take the above example for instance. The Call of Duty 4 map pack was offered for free via a code in the Game of the Year Edition. The cost of the Game of the Year Edition is exactly the same as the original game so you’d think they’d start offering the map pack for free, right? Wrong (as always)! I’m not exactly sure why they’d do this (other than the obvious “I want more money” approach) yet it seems like around the time they started offering free map packs they’d just go ahead and put it out for free on the marketplace anyway. There’s only one possible explanation: to piss off hat-based crime fighters.

Hell, that reminds me; before I go on I’d like to tell a little story about my experience with these “free” maps. It started like any other day, random death hurricanes mixed with volcanoes and a zombie apocalypse, you know, nothing special. So I decided that I’d go and get Call of Duty 4 because I was in a crime fighting slump (only because I imprisoned all my enemies) and so I decided to blow off some steam by mercilessly killing people on the internet. I picked out my game and brought it to the Gamestop counter where the cashier was like “I’ll give you the game of the year edition, it doesn’t cost anymore and it gives you free maps.” So I was like “sweet free maps, thanks you pimply faced bastard, I’ll be sure not to violently attack you in the future over game prices.” So as I got back home I opened the box… nothing. There was a game and an instruction booklet but that pimply faced sonofabitch lied to me! There wasn’t any map code at all! Now my first reaction was to don my fedora and jacket/trench coat (have to protect my secret identity) and go back to that store to kick all kinds of ass. But I’m a detective too and my detective-like instincts told me that it probably wasn’t that pimply faced bastard’s fault. Using my fedora-shaped super computer I quickly got confirmation that this had happened to many other people as well. In the end, after a brief bout with tech support that should have just began and ended with the word “bastard” I never got my maps. I’m just waiting for the time that they become free, WHICH THEY NEVER WILL!

Number 4: When the Game in Question has a Sequel

Example: Call of Duty 4: Variety Map Pack

Call of Duty again? Really? Well that’s just an example; there are many games like this. Again this isn’t necessarily dog shit but I promise that the next one will be about dog shit, you dog shit enthusiast you. Anyway the reason I claim that the DLC (which may or may not be dog shit to appease all you crazy people) should be free once a sequel comes out because sales probably drop rapidly over time once the sequel hits stores. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works, but don’t take my word on it, it’s not like I know a lot about business (although I do run a multi-billion dollar business in my free time). I don’t think anyone is rushing out to go buy Halo 2, or Mario Party 3 (despite how awesome Mario Party 3 was) so I’ve taken this rule and applied it to damn near any other game. Maybe I can understand not immediately making it free but in the above example Call of Duty 5 (or Call of Duty: whatever the hell they’re calling it these days) has been out for nearly half a year and I doubt that the Call of Duty 4 will have those free maps in another four or five months time. Granted the two were made by different developers but that’s beside the point. Give me the free maps! I demand it!

Number 3: When the DLC Doesn’t Add Anything Special to the Game

Example: Bomberman Live: Bomb-Up Packs

So NOW we’re talking about dog shit. Again I’m hoping the editor doesn’t come to my house and challenge me to a fist fight for using that so often. In any case I could talk about this in depth but the name says it all. The dog shit doesn’t add a whole lot to the game so it should be free on the grounds that I don’t want to pay you to add pretty much nothing to the overall gameplay.

Take my above example… for example (does that even work?) Bomberman’s bomb-up packs should definitely have been free or just included it in the original game. With the pack comes a bunch of gametypes and maps no one online plays anyway (we’re all too busy playing on the good starting maps with the non-stupid game variants to care). It’s like opening a gift on Christmas to get a playstation 2, a gamecube, or an xbox when you already have the better console. But gosh there’s really not more to say about it, maybe I’m complaining too much or maybe… just maybe… you’re not complaining enough.

Number 2: When the DLC is Just a Little Polish to an Otherwise Bland Turd Sandwich

Example: Crackdown (whatever that weapon pack is called)

I wanted to research what the dog shit was called here to retain my journalistic and genius vigilante integrity but I honestly didn’t care. Now let me set one thing straight, whereas Number 3 on the list (the one you just read if you read like a normal human being or super being) was about something that should be free based on the fact that it added little to a good game, this one is about DLC which could be good or bad that adds little to a horrible game. That’s right; I beat the system by having ALMOST identical but still slightly different types of DLC on display. Wooh!

Anyway I’m sure you (yes you, the guy in the red baseball cap) can think of a ton of DLC and games like this, but let’s go with my example because I already took the time to write it down. Now Crackdown wasn’t THAT bad of a game… okay yeah it was. The whole game was GTA or Saints Row with a ton of collection and not a lot of anything else. Shooting civilians was a power-up losing crime too, so there goes all the random slaughtering fun. The goal of the game is to collect orbs and kill a bunch of bad guys. You’re basically like Super Man except with a gun (or a slightly more athletic Fedora Man, with super powers, a gun, and no awesome hat). So after the fun of jumping around rooftops and shooting people wears off about six hours into the game what’s left to do? Well Realtime Worlds (the developers) has the answer in the form of a content pack sure to add a couple more hours of fun to the game. You get a weapon like the harpoon gun which is cool in that you can fire harpoons at people and stick them to cars and buildings and trees and other people. Where was the downside again? Oh right the fact that there’s a fuggin’ price tag associated with it. What the hell?! I paid sixty dollars for your game! There is no way in hell I’m going to spend six to ten dollars more to make your game NOT suck as much. You may think I’m being a little frustrated this time, because if there’s anything Fedora Man is known for its definitely not violent outbursts of vigilante justice. But that’s what happens when you stay up too late and you keep slicing off your fingers with your stupid razor-blade lined hat that STILL DOESN’T WORK!

But hey let’s look on the bright side. I’d like to take this time to get away from all the anger and pessimism and quickly point out Left 4 Dead. It’s a decent game, not too bad, not too good. But it appears that they’re coming out with DLC soon to make the game better. You know what I like the most about it without even having to look up gameplay videos on youtube? The fact that valve decided to not be a bunch of assholes and release the DLC free. So there, at least I tried to make this article slightly happier with a contrast between dog shit and decent DLC, as well as decent business practices in general.

Number 1: When the DLC in Question Sucks

Example: Too many to count

Damn even the example is a little depressing. There’s like a sea of dog shit out there (not literally you creep) and you know a DLC should be free when the DLC itself sucks. Really, this one ties into every other group category. By now you must be wondering “is there some kind of evil video game-themed villain out there causing all the DLC in the world to suck?” Well no, there was once, but he died in 1983 when the video game crash happened. It was weird and sad because the one thing he was trying to destroy was the only thing keeping him alive. Once the games became bad enough the crash happened and he died. It’s tragic, which is why I’m writing a play about it. I’m thinking of starring the lead role to Adam West and maybe get Jackie Chan in there somehow; we’ll have to see how it turns out.

Anyway there’s really not much more to say but hell I have time to kill in between creating my razor-bladed fedora and fighting demons from beyond time and space. So I’ll start with a little known game called Halo 2 (does anyone remember this game?). Halo 2 had four or five map packs, with the last one having two levels “Desolation” and “turd sandwich” or… something like that, I can’t remember (and I refuse to look it up). Anyway both were remakes and both were TERRIBLE. Although I’m not ashamed to own the Halo series, I am deeply ashamed to have put any money down toward this map pack. Turd sandwich was a terrible level and desolation was… also terrible (cut me some slack I’m tired AND I saved the world yesterday, shut up). Look I’ll give you another example: Halo 3. Halo 3 (and I use the halo series because of its general accessibility so people know what I’m talking about) had the “Heroic map pack” which was so bloody awful that I had to think twice before ever purchasing any kind of map pack EVER AGAIN! It was like they had a staff meeting but only three people showed up and they left after five minutes after someone said “but think about the customers” and someone else responded with “screw the customers!”

I’ll give you one more you might not have thought about: gamer pictures. Yeah those things, you actually have to pay for them. I think I’ll leave it at that instead of pointing out the crippling stupidity in paying for tiny pictures rather than picking up a fedora to hide your identity and going out to vigilante the shit out of the gaming industry.

1: DLC: DLC is not bad in and of itself. DLC is a good way to both add features, fix bugs and continue to provide several different kinds of support to your customer. Games like LittleBigPlanet offer things as big as new levels and new creation tools as well as things as small as costumes. Games like Burnout Paradise offer free cars, levels and modes and for free no less. Not every company is out to rip you off and take your money. HOWEVER, when companies abuse this system, that is complete bull and definitely worth complaining about. Case in point: EA’s “Time is Money” DLC. 5 Dollars to unlock all of the accessories in Skate 2. 5 dollars for a cheat code is unacceptable, don’t buy that or I will come and beat the game for you to save you the money. I could also say the same thing about Capcom, who saw fit to charge 20 dollars for extra costumes that are already included on the disk, but I want the beauty pack so I won’t =/

2: BROWN AND BLOOM SHOOTERS: Team Fortress 2, Resistance 2, The Darkness (ironic, isn’t it), Halo 3, the list goes on. Yes, there is a meta-trend towards more gritty and realistic shooters, no that isn’t a bad thing. If any thing, it is a reaction to all of the arcadey shooters we had before hand or all the uber-hero World War 2 games we had before. Face it, we have trends. Trends create anti-trends. Everyone gets a game they want, everyone wins.

3: Exorbitant Waiting/Development Times: The HD era has increased development times. I won’t deny this. However, there are several mitigating facts not the least of which are tons of sweet games on the PSN or XBLA. Then of course you have the Wii which provides you with an ample amount of ROM’s to pay for, as well as the fact that there are many more quality developers and publishers out there cranking out more games than ever before. You may have to wait a long time for Final Fantasy XIII, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of other good games to play.

4: Too Many Sandbox Games: Sandboxes are another meta-trend in the gaming industry. Sandboxes suck right? Wrong. If anything, they have gotten better. Games like Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and Oblivion provided the player colossal worlds with absolutely nothing worth doing in them. Grand Theft Auto IV and Fallout 3 reduced the size of the world (while still keeping it adequately large) and proceeded to actually populate the land with people and things with which you could interact in meaningful ways. An unfortunate bi-product of the sandbox craze is that some games which would probably be better in a linear setting get developed according to a trend rather than its strengths. However, if these developers screw up their games and end up failing? Oh well, move on with life. Yes a good game might be lost in the process, no I don’t give a damn, plenty of other good games out there.

5: THIS GENERATION DOESN’T HAVE GOOD GAMES: Stop being ignorant. If you want to be blind to the fact that there are hundreds of good games out there, be my guest. There may not be the sheer quantity of games, but that also has to do with the fact that this generation has only just started. If this generation sucks that bad, go back to playing SNES, I won’t miss your complaining. Old console games have a lot fewer moving parts in them, which makes a game that capitalizes on them seemingly perfect. Games like Megaman 2 which do everything correctly achieve godlike status, but to compare them to modern day games and say the old ones are fun is simply ridiculous. If anything, modern day games should have more of a penchant for fun. If a game with more moving parts manages to execute them all properly, shouldn’t it be better than old games? Hell, XBLA and the PSN provide us with these sort of games all the time! Good ol’ nostalgia.

I had an Atari. Most of the people playing video games don’t know what that is. I’m not saying my opinion is right because I was there, I’m saying my opinion is right because I don’t have the flaccid penis of nostalgia in my mouth. The last generation gave birth to games that I will never forget. So did the one before that, the one before that and the one before that. This one will be no different. How about instead of all this rage you just go and play the vidya, wouldn’t that be super?

It is 2006. Several years of inconsistent announcements, numerous delays and a growing association with Duke Nukem Forever indicates that an actual release of Team Fortress 2 is extremely unlikely. Then from out of the blue Gabe Newell (managing director of Valve) thrusts a teaser trailer into our faces confirming that TF2 is indeed on its way. Sporting a venturesome art style with what appeared to be innovative game play, the new look TF2 quickly soared to the top of many “most anticipated” lists. Launching in October of 2007, it became an instant favourite among reviewers, achieving a plethora of awards alongside its partner in success The Orange Box.

As an avid PC gamer, the desire for a new class based multiplayer game was immense. I desperately needed to escape the grenade spamming insta-prone aids festivity that was Battlefield 2. To my delight, and many other likeminded gamers, TF2 delivered just that. Besides the attractive stylized graphics and often comical game play, it shipped with a secret weapon, one which would inevitably be the key to TF2’s ongoing success and development.

Steam, the popular content delivery service functions as the core of TF2, supplying speedy updates and flawless content delivery. Gamer profiles and statistic pages are accessible through a simple yet faultless social network. Hell, you can even browse the web in-game using the Steam overlay. It is undoubtable TF2 would not be as popular as it is on PC today, if it was not for Steam. This is clear when we examine the unfortunate situation our console brethren currently face, which I’ll touch on a little later.

February 14^th – Badlands Released – New point Cappan.

The very first major content update came in the form of a new map labelled “Badlands”. Among all the commotion, servers popped up all over the place boasting [24/7 Badlands] tags. Well received by most, cp_Badlands now holds the 6th position for the most played map by hours.

April 29^th – The Medic update – Medic rush.

Valve had announced this update a month before release, leaving us to both speculate and look forward to the addition of 3 new medic weapons and 39 unique achievements. If that was not enough to get your average TF2 gamer salivating with glee, Valve announced a brand new game mode and map, which was to be released alongside the medic update. An exclusive trailer featured a fly through of the new Payload Game-mode map “Goldrush”. And so on the 29^th of April the masses crammed into 24/7 Goldrush servers, where two teams of 12 medics would heal each other in a race to unlock the new weapons. After a short while the medic hysteria eventually died down, but Goldrush fever never ended. Proving tremendously popular, the new Game-mode in conjunction with pl_Goldrush still holds the number 1 position for most played map by hours. With the inclusion of the achievement-unlock system, we saw the birth of [Achievement] servers. My medic stats are still out of proportion from succumbing to the temptation of gaining the new unlocks early.

June 19^th 2008 – The Pyro update – W + M1 Syndrome.

Again the Pyro pack was announced around a month before release. Valve stated that the Pyro was not only to receive the extra weapons but also major tweaking which included improved hit detection and a compression blast feature for the default flamethrower. Also 38 new achievements and a couple new maps made it in. Was not the best time for spies.

August 19^th 2008 – The Heavy update – “The heavy is a spy!”

A joyous occasion for medics and spies, the heavy update introduced 3 new weapons, 35 achievements and a new game-mode. The new Arena game mode played out much like a match of counter strike. Essentially its sudden death played in a smaller map than usual, an Arena. Sections of existing maps were used as arenas, as well as two never before seen maps. Lumberyard is most notable as it introduced a new “Alpine” setting. Arena was not as well received as the Payload game-mode and over time seems to of sunk towards the lower end of the spectrum. The second payload map named “Badwater Basin” was also ushered into play.

December 11^th 2008 – Mini Engineer Update – Not really major but content none the less.

Not officially hyped but well received was the miniature update to Engineers. Dispensers and Teleporters now had the option to be upgraded to level 3. Yielding faster Teleport recharge time and an increased amount of health and metal gained from dispensers. Also the option to have the status of your achievements tracked via a progress bar on the HUD was added (is that some mmo influence Gabe?). Making those hard to get achievements even more fun, oh god I love that ding. Spies were also given the ability to recharge their cloak by picking up ammo.

??? 2008 – Scout update – Double jumpan n’ bonkan

Announced but not fully revealed is the scout update. Set for an early 2009 release we can expect 3 new scout weapons, the additional achievements and perhaps a new Game-mode. Rumour has it the new game-mode could be “Hunted”, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. The theme from most recent interviews with Valve staff is that spies and engineers will most likely be getting total revamps in the future as well. So much stuff to come, I can’t wait bro!

Just like any other game, it does get repetitive with time. But the regular release of content is the magnet that keeps us coming back for more, and acts as a breath of fresh air for the loyal veterans. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for the TF2 console players. Some good news though, Valve is preparing to port all the current updates and new content to the Xbox 360. Though Microsoft having made US $10 million from the CoD4 map pack. Have learnt they can swindle desperate console friends into paying for content which is otherwise free on PC. Originally Valve was not going to charge for the updates, but they believe the price will be justified as there will be only a single payment required for the entire downloadable package.

Call of duty 4 was included in the graph for update comparisons only, as both games were released around the same time. Although CoD4 is played by more (and there are certain reasons for that) it will be interesting to see which game stands the test of time, and is being played 3 years from now. I know which one I’ll be playing.

-LJ

While we all like to enjoy games which not only delve into the complex human psyche with a deep and riveting narrative but also lets us play as effeminate girly-boys with zippers, belts and a dark past – it’s also fun to switch your brain off sometimes and just have some fun shooting people. Gears of War 2 gives us the chance to do that and do it beautifully, and it’s a Game of the Year titleholder for that alone – it’s just a shame it’s riddled with tons of multiplayer bugs. But you already know that. Why the long windup, then? Because those godforsaken bugs are finally getting fixed!

Through a post in the game’s official forums, Epic VP Mark Rein has announced that yes, all the complaints about the multiplayer bugs will be fixed in a title update coming this month. We’ve already heard rumors about such an update, but to actually hear (or rather, read) about just what it contains is pretty good. Here’s the entire post, verbatim:

Happy New Year!

First of all I hope all of you had a safe and happy holiday season.

So there’s a brief status report on the next title update. At some point I expect we’ll post a more detailed list but I assure you we’re working hard to get this out the door and once it’s done we’ll start working on the next update. We’ll try to do a better job keeping you informed of our progress on future updates and we’ll try to be a little more active in the forums once this update is released.

DLC, too. Good day for Gears of War 2 shooters, indeed.

Criterion, the creators behind the Burnout series, have been nothing but awesome so far. Not only did they deliver on their promises for Burnout Paradise on the first go – a massive free-roaming city with hundreds of secrets and thousands of car-wrecking possibilities – but they’ve been spoiling us with free downloadable content that any other game developer would be forcing us to pay through the nose for.  While we’ve been enjoying that, we can’t help but feel guilty about it. Thankfully they’ve given us an opportunity to give back to them what little we could, with the very first purchasable downloadable content pack that they’re busting out, and even then it’s literally a steal.

Presenting: the Burnout Paradise Big Surf Island DLC pack!

What’s the big deal about Big Surf Island, anyway? Well for one, it’s a huge island that connects to Paradise City, and its emphasis is letting you grab the biggest amount of air possible with your car via its ridiculously-awesome jumps. Here’s the statement from Criterion themselves:

Big Surf is the culmination of everything we learned creating Paradise City, and we want it to bring you a truly spectacular new experience – the highlight of a year of incredible premium content. Burnout already delivers incredible value for money – literally hundreds of hours of gameplay with your original disk or PSN purchase, plus more with the free Cagney Pack and free Burnout Paradise Bikes.

Awesome, Criterion. Why can’t other game developers be like you?

December 23, 2008 (360/PS3)

Foo Fighters Pack 01 ($5.49 / 440 MSP or $2 / 160 MDP each)

• DOA
• Times Like These
• This Is a Call

Videos after the break.

No detailed song info this time – the holidays catch up to all of us.

DOA ($2 / 160 MSP)

Times Like These ($2 / 160 MSP)

This Is a Call ($2 / 160 MSP)

December 23, 2008 (360/PS3)

Rockin’ the Holidays 2008 ($3 / 240 MSP or $1 / 80 MSP each)

• Barenaked Ladies – Hanukkah Blessings
• Billy Squier – Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You
• The Pretenders – Blue Christmas

Song info after the break.

Barenaked Ladies – Hanukkah Blessings ($0.99 / 80 MSP)

Jewish rockers (including Rock Band-featured Bob Dylan) rejoice – finally, a Rock Band song with lyrics in Yiddish! For those of you keeping track at home, this brings our total number of languages up to 6 (English, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Yiddish). More significantly, the much-requested Barenaked Ladies have finally made a RB appearance. “Hanukkah Blessings” is a great singalong song for guitarists, bassists, and pretty much anyone in the room, provided that you can fake Yiddish. The actual guitar and bass parts should be fairly straightforward, but the drums sound interesting and varied.
Pre-release verdict: Meh. Drummers will want to check out the chart. Otherwise, decide from the sound. Can’t go wrong for $1, though.

Billy Squier – Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You ($0.99 / 80 MSP)

’80s rocker Billy Squier, featured in Guitar Hero ’80s with “Lonely is the Night”, swings his way through the season with this mouthful of a song. “Christmas is the Time” is a basic swing beat with a nice, ’80s-y guitar solo in the middle, and much like the previous song, the chorus has got a big singalong going on. Guitarists will definitely want to check this one out for a nice guitar solo at $0.99, and drummers will want to check out the chart to see how it goes down. (Rock Band’s swing-beat songs can go either way on drums, but many have been excellent – see “Like a Fool” and “Don’t Make Me Wait”.)
Pre-release verdict: Probably worth it for $1. May not be the most technically challenging, but has plenty of cheesy energy your family or boy-/girlfriend will enjoy.

The Pretenders – Blue Christmas ($0.99 / 80 MSP)

(No video yet – song is brand new. Preview it on iTunes to get an idea.)

Coming from a just-released holiday EP, The Pretender’s present this year is an, um, interesting cover of “Blue Christmas”, originally made famous (but not written) by Elvis. This cover starts out as a usual version of the song – country-esque, slow, good guitar work. A bit of the way in, The Pretenders launch into an entirely different genre, punk, and the song goes on to end on more of a Ramones feel than an Elvis one. Instrumental charts, particularly guitar, should have some replay value here. Useless trivia: The Pretenders will be the fourth band to have both masters and covers in Rock Band, after Rush, Coheed and Cambria, and David Bowie.
Pre-release verdict: Guitarists should probably grab this while it’s $1. Everyone else should do the usual YouTube trawl for charts to make a decision. Just don’t expect it to be like the original version!

No Doubt – The Singles 1992-2003 (album) ($20 / 1600 MSP)

1. Just a Girl
2. It’s My Life
3. Hey Baby
4. Bathwater
5. Sunday Morning
6. Hella Good
7. Underneath It All
8. Excuse Me Mr.
9. Running
10. Spiderwebs
11. Simple Kind of Life
12. Don’t Speak
13. Ex-Girlfriend

Videos, difficulty tiers, and more information after the break.

The Singles 1992-2003, as you might’ve guessed, is a compilation album – the first to come to Rock Band (since “The Best of The Who” was hand-picked for the game by The Who). This is only a good thing for players, though. Anyone who cares for just one of an artist’s several albums would either be elated or really disappointed depending on which album made the cut, but this makes everyone happy. Hopefully we’ll see more Greatest Hits albums in the future (if only to minimize whining). Here’s each of the tracks in this week’s album, organized by the original albums they appeared in. Tier information courtesy of IGN.

Tragic Kingdom (1995)

Spiderwebs

Full Band: Tier 1
Guitar: Tier 2
Drums: Tier 3
Vocals: Tier 2
Bass: Tier 3
Many players will recognize this song from GH: On Tour or GH: World Tour, and now we’ve finally gotten it in a game worth playing. “Spiderwebs” is Tragic Kingdom’s second single, and shows one of No Doubt’s signatures – the ability to blend a ska/reggae feel with a pop beat. This is one of this week’s big hitters on bass, but the guitar and drums are solid too. Definitely pick this one up, both for the charts and the big-name factor.

Excuse Me Mr.

Full Band: Tier 5
Guitar: Tier 4
Drums: Tier 5
Vocals: Tier 4
Bass: Tier 4
“Excuse Me Mr.” is the difficult song in a pack of otherwise playable pop music. Guitar features lots of rapid strumming, probably with some weird chord changes; drums are just FAST, with lots of rolls; vocals are all over the map; and bass has to try and keep up with the guitar and drums. Take a listen to this song before buying – it’s a bit of a different feel than No Doubt’s big hits, with a lot more punk rock than their big singles. If you wanted a hard song this week, though, definitely pick it up.

Just a Girl

Full Band: Tier 1
Guitar: Tier 2
Drums: Tier 3
Vocals: Tier 1
Bass: Tier 1
Tragic Kingdom was what put No Doubt on the map, and this was its leading single – the most famous track of the album behind the legendary “Don’t Speak”. This song is No Doubt’s pop sound at its best, and has enough variance in guitar and drums to keep you interested. If you don’t buy the whole pack, pick this one up as a recognizable song.

Sunday Morning

Full Band: Tier 2
Guitar: Tier 2
Drums: Tier 3
Vocals: Tier 1
Bass: Tier 0
I’m vaguely surprised that this song is tier 0 bass – take a listen to that hook at the start and tell me that’s tier 0. Bass is one of the highlights in this song, as guitar is mostly a series of ska-influenced chords. Drums, though, has some great fills and interesting patterns. I can see this song being a sleeper hit among those who buy the pack, especially drummers. If you drum, this is a must-buy. Otherwise, see if you like the sound.

Don’t Speak

Full Band: Tier 1
Guitar: Tier 2
Drums: Tier 2
Vocals: Tier 0
Bass: Tier 0
If you’re 18 or older and don’t recognize this song, you never listened to the radio in the ’90s. “Don’t Speak” is No Doubt – it’s Tragic Kingdom’s third single and spent a whopping sixteen weeks at the top of the radio charts. Instrumentally, it’s one of many Rock Band songs whose parts will be really fun to play despite being tier 2 or lower (”El Scorcho”, anyone?) The Spanish guitar solo invokes memories of Hotel California and will be incredibly satisfying. Drummers’ main pattern is kind of slow, but that’s made up for by the varied fills. This song is a must-buy this week.

Return of Saturn (2000)

Ex-Girlfriend

Full Band: Tier 2
Guitar: Tier 2
Drums: Tier 3
Vocals: Tier 2
Bass: Tier 0
This song opens Return of Saturn, and immediately shows the changes in the band’s sound. By 2000, the ’90s pop scene was already under many of the influences we see in today’s music world, for better or worse. (One way to think of it? Compare this song to Tragic Kingdom, and then to Gwen Stefani’s solo work.) All in all, it’s very…eccentric. The guitar is fairly bland, but the drums aren’t any worse than Tragic Kingdom’s, just different. Take a listen and see if you like it.

Simple Kind of Life

Full Band: Tier 1
Guitar: Tier 2
Drums: Tier 3
Vocals: Tier 3
Bass: Tier 0
This song starts exposing No Doubt’s mellower side, which is explored more later in the album and on Rock Steady. Drums continue to deliver, but the rest of the song will vary by taste. Personally, I found the vocals in this one a bit more grating than Stefani’s usual. Pass on this one, most likely, unless you’re a drummer.

Bathwater

Full Band: Tier 1
Guitar: Tier 0
Drums: Tier 2
Vocals: Tier 4
Bass: Tier 0
“Bathwater” is yet another new sound for No Doubt, for the most part, and is also fairly famous (though not nearly as much as “Don’t Speak”). This song has a special kind of energy that will appeal to some people much more than others. Nothing here is particularly difficult, and unfortunately the solo is given to the horns and not the guitar. Buying this as a single depends entirely on whether you like the song or not.

Rock Steady (2001)

Hella Good

Full Band: Tier 2
Guitar: Tier 1
Drums: Tier 2
Vocals: Tier 0
Bass: Tier 4
Rock Steady is a divisive album, due entirely to the huge departure it is from the other two big albums. “Hella Good” is the flagship of the new sound, and it shows even more elements of the early 2000s pop scene – electronic samples, a repetitive hip-hop-like chorus, etc. The song got a lot of airplay, so it may be worth buying just for the recognizability. I’m curious to see how various things get charted, as there’s a lot of stuff going on that may or may not be interpreted as guitar. If you liked Rock Steady’s sound, this is the perfect song for you.

Hey Baby

Full Band: Tier 1
Guitar: Tier 2
Drums: Tier 4
Vocals: Tier 2
Bass: Tier 0
This is the other big recognizable part of Rock Steady. Remember this song? Of course you do. I’m not convinced that this guitar part will be very fun, but the drums are promising (and apparently challenging). “Hey Baby” also features the awkward vocal stylings of Bounty Killer, which will certainly be charted and will be really weird to sing alongside Gwen Stefani. This song’s not quite Holla Back Girl, but it’s trying. Pick it up if that’s your thing.

Underneath It All

Full Band: Tier 1
Guitar: Tier 1
Drums: Tier 3
Vocals: Tier 1
Bass: Tier 0
“Underneath It All” goes back to the reggae/ska feeling that No Doubt fans knew from the previous two albums, and is one of the laid-back songs this week, alongside “Running” and “Simple Kind of Life”. Nothing special here except a few interesting elements in the drum chart and another guest vocalist. At least this time she’s the same gender as Gwen. As usual, this one will swing on your tastes.

Running

Full Band: Tier 0
Guitar: Tier 1
Drums: Tier 0
Vocals: Tier 1
Bass: Tier 0
This track is the biggest black sheep of this pack, with a “Still Alive”-ish children’s feel to the background noises and drums. Unfortunately, this track’s simplicity will really hurt its playability. It’s got a consistent vocal track, if you dig its vocals; everything else is fairly simple, and will depend heavily on your opinion of it.

Check back next week for information on the upcoming country music pack (ugh). As always, you can stay updated with the Online Master Song List.

December 2, 2008 (360) / December 4, 2008 (PS3)

Singles ($0.99 / 80 MSP each)

• Children of Bodom – Are You Dead Yet?
• Finley – Tutto È Possibile
• Platero y Tú – Hay Poco Rock N Roll
• Squeeze – Tempted
• Tokio Hotel – Ready, Set, Go!
• The All-American Rejects – Real World
• The Naked Brothers Band – Body I Occupy
• The Naked Brothers Band – I Don’t Want To Go To School

Singles (Free)

• Miranda Cosgrove – Headphones On

More info on all of these tracks, and this week’s milestone, after the break.

This week’s milestone is that the Rock Band song library is surpassing the promised 500-song mark. For reference, 500 songs is more songs than the GH1, GH2, GH80s, GH3, and GHWT setlists combined, including DLC for all of those games. Jeez.

First up is what many people – like most of those in the 19-page bitchfest over at Scorehero – will see as the only “good” DLC this week, Children of Bodom. This is because a significant portion of the professional GH/RB community only like metal and hard rock, but there’s no denying that this track will kick ass on guitar and drums. Listen to the guitar riff that starts around 1:25 into the video (above) for evidence. Vocals don’t promise to be anything interesting beyond the usual screamy metal talkies, though. The first five singles this week all hail from different European countries, and Children starts us off with Finland. Not that they have a particularly Finnish sound, really, but…
Download this track if: You like metal and want to add another difficult guitar/drums track to your collection.
See also: All That Remains Pack 01.

Finley’s “Tutto È Possibile” takes us south across Europe to hit Italy. This pop-rock track (with a touch of punk to it) has a fairly catchy chorus, though I’m sure most people who buy this song will be mumbling through it on vocals (did you take any Italian in high school?) It’s got several “whoa-oh-oh”-type sections that are excellent for singing along, and “Tutto”’s energy promises to be a great party song if you can get your friends past the whole Italian thing. Instruments sound fairly bland here, though there’s a few nice guitar hooks hidden here and there and a good drum section for the bridge.
Download this track if: You enjoy songs with lots of energy, or enjoy singing background vocals while playing an instrument. Or if you speak Italian.
See also: Honestly, I’m reminded most of RB2’s on-disc “Give It All”. Possibly “Perfekte Welle”, from the first set of Euro singles, though it’s got a different feel.

Next up is Spain, with the now-defunct Platero y Tú’s “Hay Poco Rock N Roll”. This song starts with an interesting buildup and jumps directly into a really solid guitar solo. It’s sung in Spanish, but don’t let this detract from the song’s energy and definite AC/DC feel. (For a song released in 1994, “Hay Poco” is a rock anthem straight out of the ’80s.) Instrumentally, guitar is the only thing getting any love here; drums are the same pattern the entire time, and the bassline is mostly repeated eighth notes on the same fret. The solos are fantastic, though!
Download this track if: You speak Spanish. Or if you’re a guitar-centric player that enjoys laying down some sweet-sounding, though not particularly difficult, solo riffs.
See also: The entire AC/DC Track Pack.

Squeeze represents Britain with a track that is both incredibly famous and much, much better than their on-disc song: “Tempted”. Take a short listen to it – if you don’t recognize “Tempted”, you apparently never listen to the radio. This song is absolutely a must-buy if your RB setup gets frequent party use, as this song is a karaoke staple. Unfortunately, though, the instrumentals here don’t get the same love as the vocals. The guitar isn’t an important part of the song and is mostly basic rhythm strumming, and the drums – aside from a few nice fills – see just the same basic, slow pattern throughout. The bass is a fairly interesting melody, though, as RB basslines go. Fun fact: Elvis Costello, also featured on-disc, sings one of the lines in the second verse.
Download this track if: You want to build your collection of well-known songs or primarily play vocals or bass.
See also: Oasis Pack 01, arguably, though it’s got more going on instrumentally.

The final European track is Tokio Hotel’s “Ready, Set, Go!”, rounding out the Euro countries with Germany. The first Tokio Hotel track (”Monsoon”) got a lot of flak from the community upon its original announcement; apparently Tokio Hotel is well-known as Europe’s counterpart to the many American whiny emo bands. That may be, but both of their RB tracks aren’t half bad, though “Ready, Set, Go!” is much more upbeat than the soft, laid-back “Monsoon”. Guitar here is nothing special, seemingly just a chordfest during the verses and a single-fret pattern for the choruses. Drums are all right, but also nothing terribly out of the ordinary.
Download this track if: You like the sound, honestly. I did mention all of these tracks are $1, right?
See also: The All-American Rejects, Fall Out Boy.

America strikes back against all of this European shenaniganry with The All-American Rejects‘ first RB single since Christmas ‘07. This single is actually from their as-yet-unreleased third studio album, When the World Comes Down, set to be released in December. “Real World” sounds quite different from “Move Along” and “Dirty Little Secret”; I don’t want to say it’s more “bland”, but it is, in a way. The optimistic energy of Move Along seems to be absent on When the World, for better or worse. Anyway, the instrumentals here are fairly bland as well. The guitar breaks from its chain of chords here and there, but it’s mostly nothing particularly interesting, and drums are about the same (nothing as fun as “Move Along”).
Download this track if: You like the band, or have a dollar lying around. Seriously, it’s $1, why not?
See also: Most of the bland rock songs in RB.

I’ll keep this fairly brief. The Naked Brothers Band aren’t a real band so much as they are a Nickelodeon publicity stunt, and their inclusion in RB is almost certainly a nod to MTV’s robot overlords at Viacom (who own Nickelodeon). When “Get Your Rock On” was released, the feces hit the fan among the dedicated DLC fanbase, but it was nothing compared to this. All I can say is: Remember that DLC is optional. These tracks are $1, making them accessible to their pre-teen fanbase, but you don’t have to buy them. With that out of the way, “Body I Occupy” isn’t THAT terrible, despite going on for about a minute and a half too long. Take a listen. The drums have a little bit going on, and the guitar is a fairly interesting acoustic pattern. The best part is that the vocals are tolerable, though, which can’t be said for “I Don’t Wanna Go To School”. Ugh. I…you know, I really don’t want to have to talk about that song.
Download these tracks if: You have a younger brother or sister who will be into them, or you can tolerate “Body I Occupy” long enough to enjoy its drums and guitar. Don’t download “I Don’t Wanna Go To School” for any reason.
See also: Uh…no idea. Perhaps our final track this week.

The last track this week is FREE, and Nickelodeon joins the not-terribly-illustrious ranks of Portal, The Rocker, and The Colbert Report. Miranda Cosgrove is an actress that headlines “iCarly”, a preteen Nickelodeon show that seemingly encourages its viewers to be camwhores. (I know the live-action Nick shows weren’t much better back in the ’90s, but come on.) This song is from the show’s soundtrack, and…well, honestly, we could be doing worse for a free track. Listen to it all the way through, however grudgingly you have to. It’s mostly generic rock, but it’s not particularly bad in any way except the mild grating of the teen pop vocals.
Download this track if: You have any space open on your hard drive. The worst case is that you end up deleting it, and you lost only about 5 minutes of your life, all told.
See also: Once again, running low on comparisons, here. It’s almost like “I’m Gone, I’m Going”, except not nearly as good.

Check back next week, when we get concrete information on the leaked Best Of No Doubt pack. As usual, you can find the information about all songs, released and rumored, on my Online Master Song List.

November 25, 2008 (360/PS3)

The Killers Pack 01 ($5.49 / 440 MSP – $2 / 160 MSP each)

• Mr. Brightside
• Smile Like You Mean It
• Spaceman

Yngwie Malmsteen Pack 01 ($5.49 / 440 MSP – $2 / 160 MSP each)

• Red Devil
• Damnation Game
• Caprici di Diablo

Singles ($2 / 160 MSP each)

• Soundgarden – Jesus Christ Pose
• Soundgarden – Pretty Noose
• Lamb of God – Laid to Rest

Detailed song info follows.

First up this week is one of the few bands featured on the Rock Band 1 disc that hadn’t yet received DLC – The Killers. Many of you are likely familiar with them through “Somebody Told Me”, a ridiculously huge single from their 2004 album Hot Fuss. Two of this week’s tracks – “Mr. Brightside” and “Smile Like You Mean It” – are also singles from Hot Fuss, but “Spaceman” is practically premiering on Rock Band. (Its album, Day & Age, was just released on November 19th.) Take a listen to the songs linked above; The Killers’ unique use of effected vocals and other electronica elements make them a welcome addition to the Rock Band lineup.

The other pack this week is a little different, featuring semi-legendary shredder Yngwie Malmsteen and his band, The Rising Force. All three tracks are from his new (October 14) album Perpetual Flame, its title perhaps a nod to the fact that Malmsteen has been releasing material since the early 1980s. The album, in fact, is so new that finding YouTube links to studio versions is nigh impossible. Trust me, though, when I say that these songs are shredding at its finest. “Red Devil” and “Damnation Game” are ridiculous enough, but “Caprici di Diablo” is quite possibly the hardest guitar chart in any music game with Guitar Hero 2’s timing window and engine. (Yes, that includes “Jordan”, “Green Grass and High Tides”, and “Thrasher”.) “Caprici di Diablo” is the second instrumental track (no vocals) to be featured in Rock Band after Rush’s “YYZ”. It doesn’t need vocals; you’ll be too busy focusing on the guitar. For any of you who have complained about Rock Band’s lack of challenging guitar parts, pick up this entire pack. I doubt you’ll be disappointed.

Soundgarden is another band that shares the rare distinction (with The Killers) of being featured in Rock Band 1 but not in the downloadable tracks. “Jesus Christ Pose” and “Pretty Noose” both hail from the early ’90s, a decade that can always use more Rock Band representation, and they don’t disappoint. Neither song is much like “Spoonman” or “Black Hole Sun”, except for a certain grungy undertone, but that just shows how versatile Soundgarden is with their sound. Drummers won’t be disappointed with either track, with “Jesus Christ Pose” in particular showcasing a nice, complex set of beats. “Jesus Christ Pose” is actually quite complex on every instrument – guitarists and bassists may find their work cut out for them as well.

Finally, Lamb of God makes its triumphant return to a Harmonix music game, with the master track of Guitar Hero 2’s “Laid to Rest”. GH veterans may remember this song as having an incredibly fun chain of HO/POs on the Expert guitar chart, and we can only hope that this returns. Even if discarded in favor of the more dominant chords during those sections, the rest of the song shines as a very fun guitar pattern, and it should be a must-buy for any GH2 players or guitar aficionados. The screamy vocals are much more pronounced in the master than in GH2’s cover, and if singing “D.O.A.” or “Clouds Over California” is the best 4 minutes you’ve ever spent, this song is for you, too.

This week knocks the song total up to 496 across both games, or 493 songs playable in Rock Band 2. Check back next week, when we’ll almost certainly surpass Harmonix’s promised 500-songs-by-the-holidays, and hit up my Rock Band Master Song List to see all 493 songs together.